Perhaps we had a fight... and in the eerie silence ...that I always dread... I lay down beside you ... snugged beside you...I don't know when I fall asleep...you are sleeping too...
You come to my dreams....dressed all white ..in a white jacket... you appear real..more real than the reality itself... and then I see some ghost behind you... white ghosts that have eaten our relationship like termites... slowly made it hollow...eating it all from the inside eating it slowly but surely..eating it all and leaving nothing but dust... they are all hazy..I couldn't identify any of them..
I find myself calling your name...you smile back...the way you used to smile - the smile of contentment, the smile of the warmth of sun. I turn around and spread my left arm to you you take a step closer to me...but wait WHO AM I HOLDING ON TO???
And then you turn to two dressed all white and then four.... I couldn't identify the real you... I call out your name "Isha.. Isha.." and all the four Isha answers...Where are you? I can't find you?
Who is the real you?
I realize it is a dream... I squeeze you to wake you up... you get up and are seated saying "baby what happened?" but then the"Isha sitting beside me doubles and then there are five Isha seated beside me... There is something wrong....
I say that I can't find the real you...You try to soothe me but there are four other Isha's trying to touch me as well...I don't like that...I don't like being soothed by someone else -only you. Panic starts in me...I shout like a mad,"Don't touch me! I want the real Isha to touch me.."
You shout back,"Stop pulling of your stunts... It's very late" I on the other hand see you multiply - the nine Isha's become twelve... and then some more!! I don't even bother to count.
I am in panic mode...I shout louder and louder to find the real you! I run out to escape from the fake Isha's. Perhaps the real Isha also runs out to get some help... One of the Isha's run across the street to the only house on the deserted area. She calls out a name...and bangs on the door... I follow her ...the door opens and another Isha walks out... dressed the same way the way you are in bed...
Horrified..I run out to the street the earlier deserted street are now walked by girls in black hoods and in pairs -perhaps they are streetwalkers. Just to get away from you I turn to them...
I see their face- they are identical twins!! I turn the other group of four... they are two pairs of identical twins....I look at the others... They all are identical twins!!!
I look at them in as much surprise as they look at me and then they all turn to Isha. I back away from them and see a group of people coming towards me...
When they come closer I realize they are all me - Ashwin.... And then I realize there are some more Ashwin gathered around me.
This must be a nightmare...and you wake up from nightmare if you call the God's name. I try that but things change for worse. I can't identify the real me!! As for Isha's just grow more in number -almost all wearing jackets and dressed in single colour.There are white Isha'a and red Isha. Isha in purple and Isha in blue.
I try to identify the real me - something that only I have- the bracelet that you gave me. Eyes and ears can fail but sense of touch remains. I remember the contours of the bracelet and I know that I am the real Ashwin. I try to identify you, by your bracelet.
After a dozen Isha I find the bracelet that the real Isha wears. I am relieved to find you...atleast I am pleased that I found my Isha. I hug u tight and just then an Isha comes and gives me her hand. Instinctively I touch and feel her bracelet - there is another real Isha....
And then I find everyone else is a real Isha and real Ashwin..
I am, hysterical and crying to find the real you..I need to end this nightmare... I sit down and pray - to chant a verse as another Ashwin tries to choke and pull me up. An Isha says... you know that your Isha won't hurt you. Your Isha wants you to go where these Isha want to take you. I am carried away by four Isha who hold on to my limb. As I hear an ambulance siren, I slowly begin to lose my consciousness.
When I regain my senses, I find no Isha or Ashwin...I am alone in a dark room. I am glad that my nightmare is over. I see no one! Relishing the feeling, I go out to the huge lawn. And damn there are Isha everywhere. Heck there is even a dog-Isha! There are also a few Ashwin.
I hear the voice of my father but cannot see him. I can hear him say, "I told him to take rest after his illness or he could go mad..." I hear Mom and you sob... I feel guilty to let them down... I need to know my real Isha. I feel guilty to not to be able to find the real you even if I am Mad!!!
I need to ask God for help. Prayer won't help! I need to meet him!
I grab a bunch of sticks and force it through my wind pipe...I am choking.. my eyes feel heavy....
I am panting for air...my eyes open....I am panting more than Dog...I am panting like I have been choked to death... I am panting for continuous ten minutes before my pants become human.. I turn my head... I am still in a dark room...
I see a small blue LED blinking...I realize it's a the LED of my Laptop....I dozed of in the night. With shivering hands I "wake up my computer" It's 4:28 AM.
I experienced the desperation of a mad man for almost two hours... I am ashamed of making light of the word before. I wish I hadn't used the term Mad so lightly ever.
I am still panting while I dial the Isha's number. I cut the call before a ring...She must be sleeping! And I don't want to hear , " Stop trying to pull one of your stunts!"
I think of calling her in the morning, no it will spoil her morning. I think of calling her in the evening but I will spoil her otherwise nice day. I can't tell her what I feel these days without picking up a fight. And I have already prepared and given her enough substance for another round of fights for today.
I realize the termites that have eaten away our relationship - the ghosts that I foresaw and could do nothing. She would hear none of it...Wish she would understand...Wish I could communicate to her as I used to... but I have to tell someone...
I have to let it go... I wipe the sweat off my forehead as I write this story... what should I call it... Ah ..."Termites and Madness"
Posts
