Reasons

Tired as a log Rajiv contemplated to ask the auto-rickshaw driver to take him to his house... The meter read 83.90 Rs.....that would cost another 20 Rs and with half return it would mean an extra expense of Rs 30. If he were to walk that would mean a saving of Rs 30.

He left the auto on the main road itself and decided to walk the rest of the distance. Every pore of his body ached from the three hundred kilometer long sales trip. His feet were freezing, in the cold chilly winter night and his stomach grumbled as the food at the motel was a little too expensive...

It wasn't that his earning was poor, it was decent but recent unexpected and unavoidable expenditure and medical bills had left him in huge debt. He calculated to himself... another four month and then it would be all fine. Jia is so adjusting,.... the least he could do is take a little extra pain so that he could gift her the shoes that she was looking in the mall. It pained him to see her move on after seeing the damn price tag... She should have everything that she sets her fingers on. 

Lost in his thoughts, he saw his small rented one room Flat. As he neared his home, he sighed someone again had dumped their garbage near their window. Damn, the stupid flat on the ground floor sucked. He would find a new flat once his economic condition improved.

He knocked at the main door and on his very first knock he saw the lights turned on. She had been awake! She was waiting for him!

Upon entering, he dropped his bag at the door itself and took support of the kitchen Door that was just right of the main door. Leaning on the kitchen Door he dislodged his shoes - the uncomfortable formal shoes that he had been wearing all day. He then lifted his right leg to form the figure "4" between his legs to remove his stinking sweating socks. In the little light that came from the bedroom through the ventilator his eyes fell on the stone in the kitchen.

The Damn "body builder rat" -as Jia used to call it had been creating havoc these days. It would enter through the drain after the filter that was cemented on it had come off. He switched on the kitchen light and walked to the kitchen drain still wearing the sock on his left leg.

Even the heavy stone would not be able to stop the "body-builder rat" if it would not be placed exactly above the drainage. He adjusted the stone, to its proper position  before taking of his socks.

He turned off the kitchen light and walked to the Bathroom on the opposite end barely eight feet away. He flinched at seeing the water. He knew it would be ice cold. It was 3 degree Celsius in the city and water would be colder. There wasn't any Geyser in the house -only immersion rod and that would take time to heat water.

He will have to buy a Geyser for Jia. Funny, he thought to himself, these things now mattered to him. He never would have bothered to wash his feet after being so exhausted, but with Jia in equation everything changed.

He never bothered to heat up the water, as it would both save time and electricity bill - the latter being more important. What the hell, it is only the first mug that shocks you, He held his breath as he dropped the first mug of the ice-cold water on his feet. It was freezing but he followed it up with another and another....By the time he was finished lathering his feet he was shivering...

"Rajiv .... why don't you heat up the water first?"

"Don't bother ... I am almost done here", shouted Rajiv from the bathroom.

He quickly washed his feet, then he proceeded to wash his hand and face. By the time Rajiv was done, it was almost a half bath.

"I'll cook something for you!" said Jia as she handed him the Towel.

Rajiv was famished and Jia knew it, she could understand him so well. He was about to thank her, when he had a look at her face. She looked so pale, so fragile. Her eyes had sunken in and she had developed dark circles around it. She had barely recovered yet she was waiting for him. It was quite late in the night and he couldn't possibly ask her to cook for her. She needed rest.

"I had my dinner", he lied.

"No you didn't! You are lying!"

I have to do something to stop her from cooking. "May be tea! I am shivering"

"OK"

"But before that I need something...", said Rajiv as he closed the distance between them and gave her a hug.

"The bone-crushing hug", as Jia called it. He always hugged her tight. Every time he hugged her, he wanted to keep her in his arms, to hide her from the world. She was his. She was exquisite. She was so precious that he wanted o shield her from every pain in this world. Rajiv lost track of time.

"Rajiv....Rajiv...I have to make tea.."

"Tea... oh ...Tea...no she should take rest..but she would not listen..."

"Rajiiv"

"Uh huh"

" Rajiv ... I have to make tea!"

He spoke in her ears as he smelled the fragrance of her hair... "Tea won't do! I need body heat!" he was just buying time to stop her from going to the kitchen...and he got a reason...Thank God for his old bachelor habit... In those eight feet between kitchen to the washroom,  had four pieces of his clothing - his socks and his shoes"

With Great reluctance he released her from his hug and went to pick his socks. "Ok you go and make tea but I am not going to wash my hands after these, as he showed her his socks."

"Yuck! are you going to drink tea from those dirty hands!" exclaimed Jia.

"Sure if you don't listen to me, why should I listen to you?" asked Rajiv. "Go to bed I'll come after washing my hands"

Jia said nothing and went to bedroom.

Rajiv chuckled to himself as his mind smiled at the fact "No girl in the world would ever risk a guy touching her crockery after touching his dirty socks. And  with a feet that stinks like his, not even a pig would allow that.."

Rajiv picked his shoes and socks and kept it on the shoe rack. He then washed his hands again in the cold water and then checked for the stone in he kitchen to prevent unauthorized entry of the "body-builder rat" He then picked up the empty bottles on the kitchen slab and filled them up for Jia. Then he checked the Gas-stove and cylinder switches, before turning the kitchen lights off again.

As Rajiv entered his bedroom he found Jia was sitting in the bed with a blanket over her.

"I washed my hand with soap thrice!", he spoke as he gave Jia the bottle.

Jia smiled feebly, as Rajiv stared at her. "She was the most wonderful thing that happened to him.."

"Go change!", said Jia shaking the staring Rajiv from his thoughts...

Rajiv changed into a T-shirt and a pair of shorts in the room itself and sneaked into the blanket beside Jia.

"I am bored! Entertain me." complained Jia.

Rajiv laughed, "It's over one in night, what do you want me to do? Strip tease!"

Jia laughed with him, "May be!"

He laughed and so did she.

"Tell me a story Na!", she said with a typical girlish sing-song style 'Na'

He laughed and dropped himself beside Jia and in the process bumped his head on the bedpost.

As he massaged his bump. Jia turned to his side and held his head and with a concerned look on her face asked, "Did you get hurt?"

"Nah", lied Rajiv.

She laid back to the Rajiv's right and covered him with the blanket. "You are so clumsy! you can't even lay down without getting  hurt yourself".

Like a complete idiot as most idiots are - when in love, Rajiv laughed still rubbing his head.

He let out a heavy breath. For some odd reason he just loved the "concerned look" of Jia.

"I love you", he said as he laid straight, his eyes looking at the white ceiling. he thought to himself, " I am really blessed to have Jia in my life. What have I ever done to get so much happiness ..."

"Rajiv ... Rajiv", called Jia and Rajiv's train of thoughts was broken again by Jia's nudge. He turned his head towards her and smiled.

"Rajiv, why do you love me?", asked Jia in an excited yet innocent voice.

"So, you want to hear your praise?", replied Rajiv.

"Noooo! Seriously, why do you love me, Rajiv?"

Rajiv laughed and spoke, " I love you because you are so hot & sexy."

"Common Rajiv, seriously"

" I love you because you are my wife", as he moved to hug her.

"Get away from me! Seriously",  as she pushed Rajiv away.

Rajiv was again on his back, he sighed, "I love you because...."

The ceiling fan in the bedroom made more noise than the air it gave. Rajiv looked at the stupid brown fan and the white ceiling behind it and then stared at the pale yellow wall. He was still searching for the right answer. He thought hard about it hard, while the fan creaked in the yellow bedroom wall.

He recalled Jia's personality, her laugh, her affection, her anger...everthing. He actually adored her laughing, her innocent face... but these were still likes  - NOT LOVE.

To say the truth, he never liked her mother - but that was never asked and a truth none should dare to mention to their wife.

To be honest with himself there were actually many things he did not appreciate in Jia. Yes, there were many things he "DID NOT APPRECIATE", "dislike" being too strong a word for comfort. 

And there were even more things like her nose rings which he had started to appreciate after being with Jia. 

However, again these were "LIKES", and not  "LOVE".  Somehow Jia made his world complete. He found peace and solace in her arms.With Jia laughter came to him naturally. With Jia, the world was beautiful place to live in. The "bone -crushing hug", was the reason to look forward to every "tomorrow" but inspite of all, these were not the reason why he 'loved'  her.

Actually, he didn't have a reason to love her. 

"Rajiv... are you asleep?"

"Huh... I love you because I love you Jia".

"Story...Rajiv", whined Jia.

Rajiv smiled, "Once upon a time there was a tiger in a jungle....."

Rajiv was never a good storyteller but at that moment he was still trying to find an answer to the Jia's question. His below par narration skills were accentuated with him being at two minds.

"...And so the tiger died and the calf and his mothers lived happily..." spoke Rajiv as he finished his story.

"Don't you dare to tell stories to mu children", threatened Jia smilingly. "You were horrible."

Rajiv chuckled and Jia laughed.

"I am sleepy.... sing me a lullaby" demanded Jia as an innocent child, while she snuggled on the Rajiv's outstretched arm.

Rajiv smiled and tried to sing;

" Rock a my baby
   On the tree top
   When the wind blows
   the cradle will rock"

And somewhere down the street a dog joined the chorus...

Jia laughed hysterically at the sheer coincidence. Or perhaps it was the God's appreciation of Rajiv's vocals. Rajiv laughed too and went to hug the snuggled Jia.

Their eyes met,and she became serious.

"Promise me one thing, no matter what comes between us...Promise me...you will always hug me this way."

Rajiv looked back to her moistened eyes and said, "I will .... I will"  as he switched off the lights.

"I will ... I swear to God..." spoke Rajiv as continued to caress Jia's tresses with his left hand.

******

In the errie silence of the night, a man woke up to find his fingers intertwined in the folds of his cold bedsheet.  The Clock displayed 2:32AM, the air conditioning was set to 18 C. Now graying, Mr. Saxsena forehead was drenched in sweat  as he looked at the young Rajiv in the mirror.

"Certain things are beyond human reasons", spoke Rajiv smilingly to Mr. Saxsena.

The River

Late at night,

under the dark sky

hidden from the world

 the frozen river weeps

In the eerie silence

the frost melts a little

drops of tear rolls

as the whole world sleeps.

Not known to a soul

the dead ice speaks

of the broken vows

and blood that seeps

Rotten are the wound

of the dumps of the past

hidden beneath the white fortress

the stench that reeks

Yet the morning comes

and the river shines n breathes, 

none bothers why

the cracks goes so deep

Ek Pathar ka tukda

Main jo hoon
bas wahin hoon...
main to bas
ek pathar ka tukda hoon

Chota chamakdaar chikna
bheegi ret mein daba hua
lehro ko choota hua
suraj ki raushni mein sota hua

ek pathar ka tukda tha
main jo tha
bas waheen hoon
main ek pathar ka tukda hoon

Tumne uthaya mujhko
Ret ke kile ka
Deewar banaya mujhko
fir wahan se dwaar pe lagaya tumne

main na to deewar na dwaar tha
main to sirf tumhara vichaar tha
main tumhara khilauna bana
main ek pathar ka tukda hoon

fir tumhi ko meri chiknahat pasand aayi
tumhi ne mujhe ghar pe laya
fir bekar samajh ke nikaal diya
main na to chikna bana na bekaar bana

Main jo tha
Bas wahi raha
Chota chamakdaar chikna
mai ek pathar ka tukda  heen raha

tumne mujhe ek moorat mein sajaya
Durga ka shringaar banaya
tum khud heen mere samne jhuke
mujh fir pani mein tumhi ne doobaya

main na to shirodharya tha
na heen shringaar tha
main to wo he tha
main sirf ek pathar ka tukda tha

fakir se mujhe tumne manga
gale ka haar banya tumne
kache dhaage mein baandh mujhe
apna naseeb banaya tumne

Wo kya kisi ka naseeb badalta
jo kache dhaage se bandha
khud hawa mein latka hai
Main to bas ek pathar ka tukda hoon

Main jo tha
woh aaj bhi hoon
Chota chamakdaar chikna
main ek pathar ka tukda hoon

Woh tumhara heen chal tha
jisne mujhe toda
Ek ratan bana kar
mujhe ek angoothi se joda

Zameen par pada koi ratan hua hai
Toot kar koi bahumulya bana hai?
main naheen toota
tumhare kapat ne muje toda hai

Tumne heen mujhe chuna
hamesha sang rakne ka wada bhi kiya
fir achanak kisi ke kehne pe
tumne heen utha kar fek diya

Tumne khud heen vada toda
Tumhi ne mana heera
Tum heen kaha roda
main to wo heen hoon jo tha

Main kahan badla?
Chota chamakdar chikna
Adha adhoora, Sadak par pada hua
Main Ek pathar ka tookda hoon

Main jo tha
Wo aaj bhi hoon
nazarein to tumhari badalti hain
main bas ek pathar ka tukda hoon

Coiled Falcon

The sandstorm came
and stripped the nest
the Falcon's wings
were ripped to dust
gripped was the bird
in the winds of time

No wings to fly
Not a second to cry
wrapped in the cold
the prey was bound

Coiled by the serpent
Choked in its grasp.
No light and No air
No hope and only despair

Bones were crushed
And body battered
Blood turned blue
and dreams shattered

From sky to dust
in blink of an eye
He wanted to die
to escape it's grief

The snake venom didn't burn
nor did he miss his wings,
what hurt him the most
he had no home to turn

He had no fight left
He had no will
Proud he may be
he wanted to lay still

Filled in darkness
Broken by heart
Raped of his respect
and clipped of his wings

Death was an escape
but his life was not his
He still owes to a Merlin
so in Coils is the Falcon Still

Dream Girl My Take: 2

Well my readers, (if there are any) I have tons of unfinished & finished pieces but I am not posting them. Simple reason: the time is not right, and I will post them someday... one day. And believe me I am looking forward to that day. In the meantime, to keep this blog in ICU and not dead... I am working on a stolen idea from Sakhi's blog actually stolen long ago... Dream Girl: My take -1

"So?" asked the smiling man to the grim silhouette sitting on the ledge looking over the backwater...

 "Oh... I didn't realize...you were here..." replied the man on the ledge as he left a puff of smoke as he passed on his cigarette to his mate.

"Tumhe yaad  karte karte..
Jayegi rein saari..."

"Shut up, Sid!", I gave the cigarette to you so that you can keep quiet!

"Tum le gaye ho sang apne..
neend bhi humari..", Sid continued singing in his exceedingly irritating and pathetic voice.

"Damn, Sid... It's so calm, serene and beautiful  here...can't you just keep quiet?"

"Wait a minute, dude!, are we talking about the same thing. It's backwater and all marshy here and the night is pitch dark as a coal and the stupid crickets are singing a song while the mosquitoes are playing treble in my ears. So I must take offense on your statement, until ofcourse your so called date happens to be either an owl, or a bat or a pimple covered toad.

"Whom am I talking to?", the grumpy figure mumbled to himself.

After a brief silence, the ever smiling Sid said, "So?"

"So here is your card!, I didn't use it!"

"But you did use the Deo...otherwise she must have fainted..", Sid chuckled at his own joke.

"So, how did it go my dear roomie?", asked Sid.

"ok"

"So when are you seeing her again?"

"I don't think I would!"

"You did use the deo... right? So how did she look?"

"Good"

"You mean your 'GOOD'  that is 36-24-36 type good?"

"Look I didn't go with a measuring tape dude!", said the visibly upset man!

"I wouldn't mind if you took it with you!", chuckled Sid again.. "But you are a Man ..dude... I hope you are.." he laughed again, "a small one but nevertheless.. a man ..and you got eyes ... you can measure with your eyes!"

"So How big was hers?..this big, ....this", Sid  spoke in excitement ...while he made his palm expand at his every 'THIS?'

" Stop it Sid!"
"OK sorry, Bhabhi ke bare mein aise nahin bolna chahiye!" ( you shouldn't speak like this about your Sister-in -law!)

"Sid! Common She is just a friend! and yes she has a nice figure!"

"Friend! - Sale fir main kya Dushman hoon?" ( Am I your enemy then!)..." You bastard...  You hypocrite..You Dog! - You DID notice her assets but you want to act all proper and Noble gentleman!" Sid spoke with an extra emphasis on 'DID'.
"Tell you what you are a 'Gentleman!' ..."gentle'...-Man" gentle-man. Mr. gentle-man I am too good!"

"Sid! Please shut your crap!"

"Ok. No more jokes. I take it, she was DUMB! Well if you are not interested....could you please introduce her to me.. I loooooooove Dumb Bums...I mean gals!"

"No Sid, she is not Dumb... she is very smart! You are the one who is "Dumb" Sid.And if you don't stop I will tell Nikita that you were way too interested in Anjali!"

"Bloody, why do you always have to intimidate and threaten me? Well if she is smart and she is good looking, then what's wrong with .. her...Anjali... you told me her name! Man I am too good!"

"Don't you have anything better to do Sid, rather than poking nose in my private life!"

"Well firstly, I don't! Nikita is traveling and she will call me once she reaches her hotel room. Secondly, as of this moment, neither is anything private about this Anjali nor do you have a life!"

"What do you want?, Sid?", shouted the man in anger.

"Dude, you know very well what I want. It's almost two years...I want you to move on... Do you know what you want?", shouted Sid back,and walked away.

"I will ...I will move on Riva! I will.", mumbled the man in the darkness.

"Sid!", came a call from chilling silent night, as a figure emerged from darkness to light.

"Sid! I am sorry",

"You asked what a I wanted?", said Sid in a very serious tone, as he kept his hand on the pole of the street lamp.
"I wanted to shag on you bed while you were gone. And I was blissfully doing it when I noticed your bag!!!"

"No, you didn't! Sid?"

" Yes I did, my dear Roomie", laughed Sid as he ran away.

"Hey, wait ... the cigarettes...will..... break", giggled  Sid, as he tried to loosen the grip on his neck by his roomie.

The two men shared a cigarette as one of them spoke,"You sing pathetic! And it is very irritating!"

" It took me years of practice to  perfect it!"

"You call that singing..Perfect!!!"

"What singing? I was talking about irritating!!!"...

Sounds of laughter could be heard on a lonely silent road till wee hours of morning....

Rest in Peace... My friend Torque (18 December 2002 - 8 April 2013)

Quote: Torque on the other hand is a silent assassin. Highly unpredictable - probably an influence of its name suggester!!! He adores me, strangely!!! Dies to be with me, again very strange! And yeah he has also talked to Nadira*. And their conversation is the world's best kept secret!    

Rest in Peace my friend.... Torque... I will miss you ... you know I will.. I know you were in pain... too much pain.. but they told me you had recovered well.. I was told you were able to hear again...

But you know Torque.... You were my closest pal after Luc... I loved you so much.. I loved you  .. when you stupid bull used to push your head to me... I loved scratching your head.. I loved it when I made you my pillow... and I hated it when I attempted to ride you and you always moved away... Why ... you stupid "boka" used to allow my younger brother  to ride your back...

I loved you .. and everybody else did.. I miss feeding you potatoes.. and the Mango... and papaya. Now for whom will I steal potatoes from the Kitchen?

And you know.. you should never shake your water off on the person bathing you...

And you know kiddo.. you were an excellent father.. watchful.. teaching them manners...keeping an eye on them... You are irreplaceable .. my kiddo.. mera "Torqi Torqi bachha"

Hope you find lots of potatoes and lots of mangoes where you go..

Trust

You don't earn it

You can't win it

You ought to build it

Bit by bit

Block by block

And you did it

I could see it 

I could feel it

Thought it was strong

To weather all storm

Yet I knew it

When you did it

You build it 

to break it

Bared my soul 

in your eyes

In your arms

I felt alive

So much to say

yet words are few

And I keep rehearsing 

all the night

of the times gone by

When I could see you

Yet I knew it

It was never mine

So why I feel pain

And cry at night

Like I lost something

which was always mine

Why am I lost

Why am I hurt

I did no wrong

I lost nothing

Why did I try

to help it survive

And prayed to die

When you break it

It was yours

when you build it

I could see it

and told you about it

Before you could begin it

Coz in the end

We all build it

To break it

Termites and Madness

Perhaps we had a fight... and in the eerie silence ...that I always dread... I lay down beside you ... snugged beside you...I don't know when I fall asleep...you are sleeping too...

You come to my dreams....dressed all white ..in a white jacket... you appear real..more real than the reality itself... and then I see some ghost behind you... white ghosts that have eaten our relationship like termites... slowly made it hollow...eating it all from the inside eating it slowly but surely..eating it all and leaving nothing but dust... they are all hazy..I couldn't identify any of them..

I find myself calling your name...you smile back...the way you used to smile - the smile of contentment, the smile of the warmth of sun. I turn around and spread my left arm to you you take a step closer to me...but wait WHO AM I HOLDING ON TO???

And then you turn to two dressed all white and then four.... I couldn't identify the real you... I call out your name "Isha.. Isha.." and all the four Isha answers...Where are you? I can't find you?

Who is the real you?

I realize it is a dream... I squeeze you to wake you up... you get up and are seated saying "baby what happened?" but then the"Isha sitting beside me doubles and then there are five Isha seated beside me... There is something wrong....

I say that I can't find the real you...You try to soothe me but there are four other Isha's trying to touch me as well...I don't like that...I don't like being soothed by someone else -only you. Panic starts in me...I shout like a mad,"Don't touch me! I want the real Isha to touch me.."

You shout back,"Stop pulling of your stunts... It's very late" I on the other hand see you multiply - the nine Isha's become twelve... and then some more!! I don't even bother to count.

I am in panic mode...I shout louder and louder to find the real you! I run out to escape from the fake Isha's. Perhaps the real Isha also runs out to get some help... One of the Isha's run across the street to the only house on the deserted area. She calls out a name...and bangs on the door... I follow her ...the door opens and another Isha walks out... dressed the same way the way you are in bed...

Horrified..I run out to the street the earlier deserted street are now walked by girls in black hoods and in pairs -perhaps they are streetwalkers. Just to get away from you I turn to them...

I see their face- they are identical twins!! I turn the other group of four... they are two pairs of identical twins....I look at the others... They all are identical twins!!!

I look at them in as much surprise as they look at me and then they all turn to Isha. I back away from them and see a group of people coming towards me...

When they come closer I realize they are all me - Ashwin.... And then I realize there are some more Ashwin gathered around me.

This must be a nightmare...and you wake up from nightmare if you call the God's name. I try that but things change for worse. I can't identify the real me!! As for Isha's just grow more in number -almost all wearing jackets and dressed in single colour.There are white Isha'a and red Isha. Isha in purple and Isha in blue.

I try to identify the real me - something that only I have- the bracelet that you gave me. Eyes and ears can fail but sense of touch remains. I remember the contours of the bracelet and I know that I am the real Ashwin. I try to identify you, by your bracelet.

After a dozen Isha I find the bracelet that the real Isha wears. I am relieved to find you...atleast I am pleased that I found my Isha. I hug u tight and just then an Isha comes and gives me her hand. Instinctively I touch and feel her bracelet - there is another real Isha....

And then I find everyone else is a real Isha and real Ashwin..

I am, hysterical and crying to find the real you..I need to end this nightmare... I sit down and pray - to chant a verse as another Ashwin tries to choke and pull me up. An Isha says... you know that your Isha won't hurt you. Your Isha wants you to go where these Isha want to take you. I am carried away by four Isha who hold on to my limb. As I hear an ambulance siren, I slowly begin to lose my consciousness.

When I regain my senses, I find no Isha or Ashwin...I am alone in a dark room. I am glad that my nightmare is over. I see no one! Relishing the feeling, I go out to the huge lawn. And damn there are Isha everywhere. Heck there is even a dog-Isha! There are also a few Ashwin.

I hear the voice of my father but cannot see him. I can hear him say, "I told him to take rest after his illness or he could go mad..." I hear Mom and you sob... I feel guilty to let them down... I need to know my real Isha. I feel guilty to not to be able to find the real you even if I am Mad!!!

I need to ask God for help. Prayer won't help! I need to meet him!

I grab a bunch of sticks and force it through my wind pipe...I am choking.. my eyes feel heavy....

I am panting for air...my eyes open....I am panting more than Dog...I am panting like I have been choked to death... I am panting for continuous ten minutes before my pants become human.. I turn my head... I am still in a dark room...

I see a small blue LED blinking...I realize it's a the LED of my Laptop....I dozed of in the night. With shivering hands I "wake up my computer" It's 4:28 AM.

I experienced the desperation of a mad man for almost two hours... I am ashamed of making light of the word before. I wish I hadn't used the term Mad so lightly ever.

I am still panting while I dial the Isha's number. I cut the call before a ring...She must be sleeping! And I don't want to hear , " Stop trying to pull one of your stunts!"

I think of calling her in the morning, no it will spoil her morning. I think of calling her in the evening but I will spoil her otherwise nice day. I can't tell her what I feel these days without picking up a fight. And I have already prepared and given her enough substance for another round of fights for today.

I realize the termites that have eaten away our relationship - the ghosts that I foresaw and could do nothing. She would hear none of it...Wish she would understand...Wish I could communicate to her as I used to... but I have to tell someone...

I have to let it go... I wipe the sweat off my forehead as I write this story... what should I call it... Ah ..."Termites and Madness"

PS: Chill Guys It is Fiction!

The Sailor: Part -5

Continued from Part1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4

"Disappointed " ... Disappointed he was that it had become dark... Disappointed he was that he had to return home... Disappointed he was that he was still alive... and disappointed he was, when he walked back in the dark, on that day...

She spoke a lot that day... She said anything and everything...and he loved her lips when she animatedly spoke "anywhich ways" ... he never told her that her lips were the most kissable thing on earth when they seductively moved to her "anywhich ways" ...

He could never remember what she said on that day... except for her "anywhich ways" ... and before he could come to his senses, the stars had come out in the sky and she was gone...

She was gone... just gone. How he had wished that he should have taken her number...her address... her college... her street... her colony... anything that could help him to find her.... anything but then again she was a witch ... and she had cast a spell over him.

However, she was his witch.. she was his Ansh... she knew him better. She had left him her number... well not exactly her number.. but her room-mate's number. Mobile were still expensive in those days...and they used to charge even for incoming... " anywhich ways" as Ansh would say... he had her number. She had written it down on his hand... She had written it down with a piece of coal.

There was a time when people used to write to their lovers with blood, later they preferred using pen, but this was Pune, the oxford of the East. Students at his time never carried a pen... but that does not stop anyone from loving. And she improvised... she took a piece of charcoal or coal from the nearby Hawker selling roasted maize and gave him his no. How naive he was ... that small act looked so cute...

Even when he remembered it today, a smile spread on the corner of his lips. It was a cute gesture indeed... if God shows sign from above then perhaps it was God's sign that the relationship was always written in black. God! how he loved her...how madly he was in love with her... those days were so wonderful....Being with her was so wonderful...

"Let's Go Home", he shouted at his dog. The young Alsatian followed his master in the dark alleys.

"Mental Fixation" - he muttered to himself "I guess that's the term they use in Psychology". perhaps something like that happened to him. "She was a mental fixation... she was my mental block...Damn she was.... She was the best thing that happened to me..."

He remembered that night... he came to his hostel and learnt how to sms... It was so tech-savvy thing then and he had texted Ansh for her address. How his classmate had voluntarily given him his mobile and the number of assurances that he would only SMS and not even pick a call. SMS in those days were free... and the bike he borrowed.

And the jump from the balcony on first floor... how he had sprained his ankle in the process... and then jumping the hostel boundary wall and a good 200 metre walk in the jungle to the dhabba...

and then he reached the bike... Students were not allowed to keep bikes in campus and Pune was not the concrete jungle then...

And then it was easy...Just reach at Ansh's PG.. climbing up the pipe to the third floor with a sprained ankle and no light...and just talk to Ansh sitting on the window ledge...

"I was a fool" , he muttered to himself I did everything that they show in movie... "Perhaps there can be no love story without the boy climbing up a pipe - atleast not an Indian love story!"

"Who knows even Prince Salim must have climbed up a pipe to meet his Anarkali! What do you say kid?", he chuckled at his own joke as he patted his companion...

And then it was time to bring his enfield to Pune. He ensured that nobody at his hostel rode pillion on his bike for which he parked at another shanty some two KM away fro his hostel. He even use to pay the Shanty-owner money to taker care of his bike .

Soon he became pro.. at eleven jump out of the balcony on first floor, climb over the barbed wired hostel boundary wall, move soundlessly for another 200 metre, run through the wild to reach the Shanty, reach Ansh's PG, sneak past the watchman, climb up the pipe to the third floor, tie the rope ladder from the bed, help Ansh to get down.. And then UP, UP and AWAY!!! for three and a half hour.

He used to sneak Ansh back in at 3:30, take the rope-ladder away as Ansh's PG was often checked, park the bike at the shanty, run two KM through the wild again, reach hostel by 5:oo, bribe the mess cook with "bidi" & cigarette walk past the sleeping watchman. Get ready, for the compulsory morning exercise and seven KM jog to stay fit !!! He was always the ideal student except he the "ideal" was now spent as "idle". As soon as the projector was switched on in the class, and lights dimmed he dozed.

Grades dipped but Love dripped everywhere....

"Karate made me tough...but love made me tougher..", he laughed at himself ... as he entered his house...

falcon eyes: Heart ache

falcon eyes: Heart ache

I dedicate this poem to my sweet would-be wife

I burn my eyes in the lantern oil
To vent out the fire that makes my heart toil
I thank for being a human and not ape
Scribbling ink on paper is my only escape

Putting a mask over a cape
I shut my cries with a tape
I run distances and jog for miles
For you my love, I long for your smiles

I am hurt and I too feel pain
When I see my efforts going down the drain
Your words hit me like a bullet train
You always leave me in utter disdain

Not on you but what I aspire,
For what I sweat, for what I perspire,
It’s not your glow but also your fire
My love, this is what I truly desire.

I want your smell in the air I breathe
You never know you make me complete
But there is something deep in your eyes
This leaves me stranded and my heart cries

Though you stand proud and you walk tall
And you know I’m putting in everything and all
Do you really want me to beg and crawl
Don’t you know, for you I’ll take the fall

I know you are holding something dark and creep
I know that there are nights when you silently weep
Please allow me your demon’s peep
And rest on my shoulder’s for a peaceful sleep

Your words leave me hung on a rope
Yet I see a glimmer of hope
As I burn my eyes in the lantern oil
I see a day when you will uncoil

The Sailor: Part -4

Continued from Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3

From that day onwards, he created a wall around himself... It was not a wall but a fort... a fort that no one could breach to reach him... and shut him up in his self-constructed cocoon of misery. On the outside he was just normal or rather too normal – Just like the millions who were running in the rat race to become successful.

But he had changed... but to the others he had grown sincere. The world around him was far too busy in the all Mighty, all too important board exams to care for his plight. He never met any of his friends, stopped going out and stopped smiling...much to the delight of his parents.

He could no longer meet Ansh and whenever he saw her she was accompanied by her brothers... There was no way he could only contact her. The emails he sent to her got no replies. Not that he expected one, as she rarely checked her mailbox. And then he had to move out of the town. He was selected in one of the leading Marine Engineering College, his parents never objected to his choice. They thought it was better to send him away so as to stop him from being in touch with “the wretched gal”.

His mother always cursed Ansh for taking their obedient and doting son away from her, for spoiling him, for trying to ruin his career, for breaking the nose of his handsome son. She cursed her for everything that had happened wrong to her son. To her Anshika was a witch.

When he reached his engineering college, he was perceived as a snob, for he never interacted with anybody. Silently, he used to laugh at himself – the most popular and cheerful boy of his town was now a snob. Even on weekends, when the whole of batch was allowed to go to the city, he preferred to stay in his room.

The emails he sent to her after reaching the college, had all bounced back. And when he tried to call her home, the number was no longer working. He immersed himself into books engineering and literature alike and hoped that when he would pass from the institute and be “successful”, Ansh would be his.

He prayed to the God, and prayed reverently to see Ansh only once...

On that day, he was forced by his classmates for a movie “Lagaan”. Since the whole batch was going he was forced to agree. And on the same weekend, they went to “City Pride”, the only multiplex at that time in Pune. While he was looking out for the show timing there was a gentle tap on his shoulders, He turned around to see a gal behind him. She had a pink scarf over her face and her black eyes were brimming with tears.

He thought he was hallucinating! The last place he hoped to see Ansh was in Pune! Miles away from his hometown. This was too good to be true. Was she Ansh, he asked himself a million times in the fraction of a second. And each time he knew that yes she was. Yes she was his Ansh. Those beautiful enchanting eyes that could look straight into his heart could be of nobody but Ansh. Her Aura and the warm look radiating melted the inpenetratable wax fortress that he had so painfully built around himself. He stood there speechless as if any movement would break the beautiful spell that was cast around him by her sheer presence.

And then she spoke, her voice trembling, “Aj, you didn’t recognize me, it’s me Anshika!” with trembling hands she removed the scarf as he stood there speechless. Seeing no reaction from him, she turned around to hide her tears afraid that the incident in the park had broken her relationship. Still as a statue he stood rooted to the ground. Things were moving too fast for him and by the time he realised what he saw was true, she was walking out of the gate of the multiplex. He could see her going away... He could see his entire dream, all his hopes, all his future, his love walking away. He saw his life walking away with his Ansh.

He ran to her, to his life and just held her just as she was hoping into an Auto. He turned her around and stared into those enchanting eyes. He could just see his world in her dark eyes. Those eyes were the magical crystal ball in which he could see his past, his present and his future – all at the same time. In her eyes, he saw hope and his world which was as beautiful as never before. He could stare into those for eternity. Yes, his mother was right, Ansh was indeed a witch. She had him bewitched with those eyes. Looking into her eyes, he was mesmerized and lost. Heck, he wanted to have been shot dead for bringing tears to her eyes but at the same time he wanted to die looking into her eyes. Yes, she was indeed a witch who had the power to make him do anything. Yes, she was a witch who could melt steel with her eyes. Yes, she was a witch who could take his breath away. Yes, she was a witch who could take away all his pain. Yes, she was a witch who could make him feel alive again and he loved her for that!

She brought him out of trance as she spoke, “tubelight Aj” as she laughed and cried at the same time. It was then he realised that women beat men in multitasking, hands down. Here, he was standing with a blank face like a fool in the middle of the road searching for words to speak and she on the other hand was laughing, crying, jumping, joking and displaying all possible types of human emotion all at the same time.

And the first word he spoke was, “What are you doing here?”

A smile spread across the corner of his face as he scratched the Alsatian ears. “What a fool he was!” he smirked at himself remembering those good old days. All he could manage was “What are you doing here!”, and he thought he was good in communication; he smiled staring into the spilled blood of his dying heart punctured yet again, smeared across the sky... being slowly but leisurely drunk by the demons of the darkness.

He saw the flocks of birds flying across the sky... flying free, gliding over the clouds. These birds were just like him. They were sailor too. Just like him they were free! Free to roam across the seven seas but these birds had built a nest to return to. They had built it with their soul mates, he had tried to build it too but his soul mate had flown away from him. He wondered if any of the bird ever dreamt to do anything different than the rest, may be fly a little higher or may be fly to a cold mountain in winter. Had it sacrificed his dream to for his mate? To be in the cozy nest that he had built for his mate. Perhaps he would never know just like he never knew why Ansh had left him. Perhaps he would never understand the unspoken language that was between the flock that gave rise to the beautiful formation in the sky. He was not Ansh who could sense what was never said. She always understood those unspoken words. Like she did on that day at the multiplex...

Ansh always understood him better than anyone else ever did. More than he ever understood himself. She understood him even when he hardly uttered a word when he met her in the multiplex. She could read his every emotion on his face; he on the other hand couldn’t even comprehend what she was saying.

“Funny”, he thought “she could not read him when she left him. Why couldn’t she see the pain in his heart when she decided to leave him? Why couldn’t she see the effort he had taken to be with her? No, he knew she had to put up with much more. He couldn’t understand the logic behind giving up when everything was all set. Why couldn’t she just bear one more year? Why couldn’t she see that he needed just one more year to be financially strong enough to support her all by himself? Why couldn’t she see that there was no point in breaking up? Why couldn’t she see he needed her? Why couldn’t she see that if she went he would have nothing left to live for? Why couldn’t she see that it was better to have killed him than to leave him?”

He muttered to himself, “Why couldn’t I see it was eventually going down the drain? Why couldn’t I be more worldly wise? Why couldn’t I know what changed in those last eight months? Why should I always lose where it matters the most? Why?”

The Valley

In a bus,

I look out of the windows,

into a valley

where the paddy grows.

Dusky clouds glide across the sky,

kissing the hills standing high.

A kiss of passion, a kiss of love

the kiss so tender and pure as dove.

It looks so beautiful,

it looks so green

with a river flowing by

calm and serene.

Sitting on the bank

watches the good old tree

cattle grazing nearby

lazy and free.

I see no human but

there are few huts

the colour of those matches

the brown earth seen in patches.

In a bus

I look out of the windows,

into a valley

where the paddy grows.

I Miss Home!!!

It's 08:32hrs I haven't slept even a bit. I was working on my report. It's already past the deadline and the report is nowhere near completion. You see that's the problem with 100% original work.

Can you believe it I am reading the annual report of the company for the first time!!! Yes I am reading and trying to make a sense out of it and heck it is in PDF format with all types of lock, can't even copy the revenue tables.

See, even I can work!!! And inspite of all this I am still gonna be screwed. Ok, let's try the Poonam way - the eternal optimist way- to get over my frustration. Yeah, I see the point... I AM NOT GONNA DIE VIRGIN!!!

Heck... My line of thinking is much better!!! Never try to swot your ass on anything!!! That ways you won't have the guilt of trying your best and then screwing yourself!!

Yeah ... I know ... I am too negative.. so what even the electrons are NEGATIVE... You see it's because of Negativity that we have light!!! Oh my God I am seeing positive in negative things... I am going the Poonam's way!!!

So what does that make me ? An optimist? A pessimist? Bloody Hell !!! It just makes me a nonsensical fool! A Moron!! Yeah, that's what you thought too!!! Why the heck you didn't tell me earlier? Try as hard as I might, it is still impossible to shoot someone dead... online! So what were you afraid of?

And by the way didn't our Great Greek Grandpa Socrates told that A fool who knows that he is a fool is wise ... or something on those lines... So according to him, I am wise...heck the world is so full of contradiction...

Let's not waste time, I am talking about my time as you are already wasting your time reading this crap.

I was yawning when I suddenly remember my DAD'S sense of humour..

A few years (MAKE IT MORE THAN FEW) back, there was a talk of my maternal uncle getting married (My mom's younger brother!) and Dad being dad was making fun of him and the more Mom tried to digress the comment the more sarcastic and blunt he came remarks.

And then finally he remarked, "Your brother is an IDIOT, he will Never Ever Get married!"

That was then mom lost her cool! since he was nagging for quite some time. She shot back, and what are you?

He ignored her and said that my mom's entire family is an idiot. Mom was furious, she rushed to him from the kitchen, holding a frying pan in her hand?

Mom: "How dare you say that? You are the biggest idiot on earth"

Dad: "Why shouldn't I say that? Is there anyone in your family who has got a better wife than mine. Is there anyone in your family who will get a more beautiful wife than mine. When they will get it, you come to me and argue? "

Mom blushed as there were several others present in the hall. Dad on the other hand continued, " There were only two people in your family who had something in them.... The first one was taken by God, ( referring to my Grandpa) and the second one I brought her home. So my dear wife why don't you get me some tea."

Mom retorted back, "I won't !!!"

Some five minutes later my Dad was sipping on a hot cup of tea!

God, I wanna go home!

To someone special....

The Next Indian Idol ... Vipul Gaur

The Sailor: Part -3

Continued from Part 1 and Part 2 ....

He recalled that day when he made that decision... the decision that changed his life ...the decision that he now regretted. Since the he had seen Anshika, he knew he had to make it sooner or later but that day ... he took that harsh step.

He was in second year of his junior college...He could never have forgotten the day. Anshika and he were in the park. She had missed her tuition classes to be with him. The sun had set and the crimson sky was slowly giving into the darkness. They were chatting oblivious to their surroundings. It was almost a routine for him to debrief her about his day. Unlike the other couples he was the one who did most of talking. He was always known as a friendly talkative guy but on that day it was his “Ansh” who spoke the most. She was worried and afraid that her brother suspected her of having a boyfriend. It was precisely for this reason that she had decided to miss her classes in order to meet him.

While he tried to put her fears to rest, he felt a hand a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to find three strangers staring into his eyes. One of them was visibly upset; he could see his red face and blood shot ears. He didn’t recognize him at all. “Anshika go home!”, the man said in an ice cold voice that cut through the serene silence. Anshika stood there terrified and petrified as if she had seen a ghost.

He had opened his mouth to speak but was met with a punch on his face. “Bhaiya nahin”, shouted Ansh as he fell flat on his face. “Bhaiya...brother!!!”, the words echoed in his mind. How come he always landed in such situation? Damn Ansh, why did you have to call him your brother, that single sentence took both the fight and flight option away from him. He stood up slowly, and tried to speak to the Ansh’s brother but the moment he opened his mouth he was met with a punch in the stomach and then another one on his face.

Ansh tried to rush to him but was stopped by one of his Brother-In-Law cronies. Ansh cried and pleaded her to leave him but in response his brother-in-law kicked him again in his stomach. Ansh begged again and declared that she loved him but in response he received another kick. In a very calm voice the Brother-in-Law asked him to declare, that he did not love her and would not meet her again.

He just stayed still, and this infuriated the third guy and he kicked him. Like a fool he kicked him the third guy back with a “Sweep” and the stranger fell down. This infuriated all of them and they attacked him all at once! When they stopped, he found himself flat on the ground.

His brother-in-law then went on his knees and took hold of his collar forcing him to sit. He then said in a calm voice, “Tell her, that you don’t love her and I will let you go.” Had it been anyone else beside his BIL, he could have broken his neck but he was Ansh’s Brother and because of him, he could not even fight back.

Ajatshatru just smiled back, and received a punch on his bleeding face. He fell again and gave another smile. He realised for the first time that if he was better than anything beside music it was in infuriating people. His smile was met with hurl a kicks...

He felt that he was kicked at every part of his body all at the same time. He had never known that three people could have thirty legs. When they grew tired of kicking him, they stopped. The BIL then asked him in a panting voice, “tell her that you don’t love her and you won’t see him again.”

Like a masochist he smiled again. His BIL stomped on his face with all the strength that he had left in him. Ajatshatru howled like an animal. In a calm voice he spoke again, “I don’t like your face when you smile perhaps with a broken nose you may look better”. He smiled with a broken nose and a blood smeared face. The BIL kicked him again on his face and spoke, “alright guys that’s enough he will remember this till the end of his life.” With that he dragged Ansh into the car waiting outside.

When he was able to drag himself to his home, the safest place where he could be, he was met with hostile eyes. Nobody seemed to care for his feelings; to them he was just spoiling his life. A loafer, an idler a disoriented youth...

After his parents had arranged for the medical treatment at home along with loads on lecture on he should be living his life and how he is ruining his life, he laid himself down on his bed. He reflected on his life and how others thought of him. He could not understand what had he done wrong? What was wrong if he loved Ansh... What was wrong if he did not want to become an engineer or a doctor? What was wrong if he loved music? What was wrong if he wanted to become a musician? What was wrong if he wanted to learn music professionally? What was wrong if he taught himself music all by himself? What was wrong if he could play better drums than anyone in his college on empty tin-cans than anyone could on those fancy instrument? What was wrong if he was not a topper of the class but an above average student? What is wrong if your sister has a boyfriend, when you could have a girlfriend?

The next morning, when he got up every part of his body carried a bruise. Every muscle in his body ached, his face was swollen like a pumpkin but what pained the most was his heart. He had one last look at his room. His karate dress lied in a corner. Beside it on a rack, laid all the medals and trophies he had won in music and karate. In another corner laid three large cans and their lids that he had improvised to make his own drums, the small plastic guitar on which he could play any lead. The small keyboard which an uncle had gifted him on his tenth birthday, a flute that he had purchased from a roadside hawker, a musical instrument made of earthen cup and one string that he made his dad purchase on a train journey and a mouth organ which his friend had given to it after he lost interest in it.... And he could play all of them better than anyone he had met... The only time he had played on real instruments was at the school band where he learned it from the other band members and quickly surpassed them in their own art.

But all this had to go... the world around him had no place for such trash. It wanted people who were engineers and doctors, people who were educated, people who were polished and people who were successful and rich. It had no place for an uncultured Stone Age warrior who could make music out of trash cans. Such people belonged to a circus not in a cultured society as his. For Ansh, he had to be one of those successful people and he had to do that in shortest possible time. Ansh’s family would never accept a struggling musician and that too from a different caste as hers. And he needed to be very rich and successful in order to be accepted in Ansh’s family. A senior had told him that marine engineer earns a lot of money but his social life is a mess. He decided to become one for Ansh... It is a small price to pay for her...

With tears in his eyes, he cleaned each of his instruments for the last time, before packing them away in a large carton. He went on his bruised knee and took his black belt in his hands for the last time before laying it on the trophies which he packed in another carton. He lifted those two boxes and put them in the store room. He never ever touched them again...Never.

He remembered the pleased look on his parents face when they saw him leaving his instruments in a dark corner....If only they could ever understand that he was leaving a part of his life in that dark corner of his storeroom...