I believe .... I did...

Well Plato said, "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet". Now, I don't know what Plato meant by poet, because I see a lot of people who write poems. So, I tried to write one, instead of my sarcasm ..for a change, almost. At best I can be called a rhymester and nothing more... So if you care to read the so called poem...All the best...

I believed that the most mesmerizing thing was
holding a serpent very tight
and staring into it's snake eyes
And then I saw her smile guys

I believed that the coldest thing was
a gun on the temple
that sends a shiver down your spine
And then I found her heart
that had no love for mine

I believed the easiest thing was
to sit and cry
And then I found the hope
to see her before I die

I believed I'll say, "baby it'll be all fine.
Baby you need to give it more time
loving you is no crime."
And I don't know why?
All I managed was a simple good bye


So, I finally wrote a poem. I believe I did. Didn't I? And then it was the turn of my destructive mind. And It interpreted it as follows.

I believed that the most mesmerizing thing was
holding a serpent very tight
and staring into it's snake eyes
And then I saw her smile guys
Duffer, you need to hold the gal tight and not the serpent. For God sake dude, the most mesmerizing thing is six inches below the smile. And, by the way, are you Gay? "And then I saw her smile", she was thinking to dump you in River Nile. That's what is a rhyme. You look at the smile, and by the time you think of talking to her she'll be having two kids.

I believed that the coldest thing was
a gun on the temple
that sends a shiver down your spine
And then I found her heart
that had no love for mine

Nub, dhakkan abe ladki ko bolega ki tu pakka lafanga hai, aur wih bh fatoo to kya pategi kya? (If you tell a gal that you are a scoundrel that too the one who pisses in his pants, then will she be with you?) A gun on your temple... what the heck Agar main hota to wahin goli maar deta.. Dharti ke bojh If, I would have been there I would have shot you then and there, you good for nothing. What the hell do you mean, heart has no love for mine... She is not a terrorist like you that she will love mines and rocket launcher...

I believed the easiest thing was
to sit and cry
And then I found the hope
to see her before I die

So sissy, you sit and cry, because she'll be another man's bride! And she will definitely come to see you with her great grandchildren before you die. After all her greatest broke admirer is dying!!!

I believed I'll say, "baby it'll be all fine.
Baby you need to give it more time
loving you is no crime."
And I don't know why?
All I managed was a simple good bye

Didn't I tell you to work on your English. Had you listened to me earlier this wouldn't have happened. Boy you should have bought that "rapid X" and "English Guru" long ago. See, had you known to speak English properly and correctly, this wouldn't have happened. Duffer, speaking English is a necessary and must condition for impressing a gal. Now you suck and sulk like big loser. "loving you is not a crime", try telling that to her Dad. I am sure he'll understand you.

Well, After having such a mind blowing thoughts on my poem,I think I'll stick to my prose!!!

Sleepless Nights: 2

April 4, 2008 06:21 A.M: I woke up . I had a bad dream. A sleep of less than two and a half hour usually does leave you tired and writing( and not typing) isn't exactly an activity I enjoy. May be I had a nice sleep in the afternoon or may be I have nothing else to do, so I choose to blabber.

Almost a year ago, I posted "Sleepless Nights: My worst Nightmare". It was supposed to be a series of three posts but I just couldn't keep my promise. Now when my plans of relocation are right on schedule with the first minor milestone of the second stage has been achieved, I believe, I have some house-keeping operations to perform. "Computer Geek Language!" - Ya, I know. Anyways, when you make some choices in your career, your heart always aches for something that you wished, but you could never achieve.

Now, before I begin, I want to be absolutely clear on two issues. Firstly, since this post was written with a lot of emotion even after editing it severely, I was unable to take out the mood swings in the post. Secondly and most importantly, that if at any point in this blog or this post for that matter, you feel like I am blaming somebody or something else for my failures, believe me I am not! "I AM MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FAILURES. HOWEVER, MY SUCCESS'S ARE A COMBINED EFFORTS OF EVERYONE I KNOW, EVEN MY RIVALS."

There are a few things that your heart yearns for until you go to your grave. Sadly enough, the best thing you can do about it, is laugh it off. NDA to me, was one of them. "Do you have it in you?", I doubted. I seriously doubted myself, and just to prove it to myself, I took NDA. Well, you may ask, since you are an engineer, what about IITs. No IITs was within my grasp, I know it. It was just a matter of 1 year of sincere, dedicated hard work. The day I realised it, IIT lost its charm. Moreover it never offered an undergraduate programme in "robotics". No university does it except the New York University.

Being, a believer that "compulsory military service" should be made mandatory in India. I always wanted to be a part of the armed forces. Not, to make it a career but serve for a period of two to five years and then move on to what I am best at. Dad wasn't exactly pleased, but he didn't show it to me then.

A first year engineering graduate student, going for a simple BSc that's understandable. His opinion was shared by many of my friends and colleague but were I to listen?

No here comes a total surprise, a call letter from 4 AFSB, Varanasi and I have this knee injury that forces me to take help even to go to loo. In such a fine condition, I take a 36 hours long journey, thanks to Always late Indian Railways. I go back home from Mumbai and as suggested by my friends, no reply is sent. A few weeks later, another call letter arrives asking me to come for SSB interview about a month later from the earlier date.

By, that time I can walk without any apparent limp but running was damn painful. Another six hours journey - courtsey "always late Indian Railways". Surprisingly , Dad accompanies me to the station, for what I don't know? He couldn't come with me to SSB so what was the whole point if he had to return the same day? Probably, that's what father's are there for? Even though he may not agree to you but he'll always be there for you.

I clear my screening test, and I am in for the next five days. Everything went fine, until it came to GTO tasks. It was not bad enough, but my knee had a different story to tell. Leaping and jumping was extremely painful. When it came to personal tasks it was awful, I couldn't take it anymore. It was an internal injury something to do with ligament, so I could fake, I was perfect.

At that time I knew, I was nowhere near perfect. Even jumping as high as 3 feet, felt like I was going to do a pole vault at the Olympics. Climbing on a five-feet barrier seemed as if climbing up a prison wall. And this is comming from a person who spent half of his childhood climbing trees.

To add to my misery, there was a crash - I still remember that fall distinctly. Worse of it, the candidate fell from the pole while executing my command. Boy, why didn't it happen at my time? When I was leading the way. Now what am I supposed to do, when you take away my rope? Man, I was the only person to execute that task in my entire batch that took GTO that day. I get my teammates accomplish it get my objective completed. Now on top of it, you take away my rope, and ask me to perform the task again, in lesser time. At least, you could have given me extra credits! But who listens to me?

Well, I was rejected. They say group task is not a physical one but a psychological one . In that case, I suppose I never had this quality to begin with.

Again this bloody "always late Indian Railways" stopped this train at about 23:00 hrs about two km away from the station. Hell, I already had a rough day, what the fuck do you want more? I am tired, fucking tired, travelled more than six hours already in a jam packed General compartment, do you still want to screw me? An hour passed, and then it was two . The signal was still red!!! Yeah, It never happens but it happened to me!

I am dead sure, the signal man didn't turn the signal green because he was drunk dead. Well, you can't really blame him as his grief was so immense. He must have found out that his wife had left him for another man - No, for another woman! His daughter is sexually active with two men at the same time - both incidentally his sons! His sister has turned whore to provide for his eunuch father. While his mother is being humped by a dog - the same dog that ripped of his balls!

"O God! What worse can happen to me tonight?", I asked. Another mistake - "God always listens." At about 01:00 hrs, I decide I had enough. Enough of waiting, I picked up my bag and jumped out of the stationary train. "Damn My knee!!!", I cursed as I felt the jerk . "Didn't I say God always listens!" "OK. God if you are there, hurt me some more! can you? No you can't because you are not there!"

I take my next step, and my foot is into shit! "Welcome to Indian railway tracks the largest public toilet in the world "Very Funny!" I thought, " Try something better God, I am sure you can do it!"

Sometimes I wonder, "What the fuck is the God doing when I ask him for something good?""What the fuck was he doing when I prayed desperately to him to get me selected?"

Perhaps, God is a sadist and he took up my challenge! Well may be, I was too frustrated, or may be I was damn angry or may be I am a masochist or perhaps was determined to deny him the pleasure. I took up the challenge too. And this battle I was determined not to lose. Ever tried walking on the stone chips on the railway tracks? That too in formal shoes?

I don't remember what time it took to complete my journey but it was over 03:00 when I reached home. I dropped on my bed like a stone but sleep eluded me! Lucy stayed by my side all the time, silent but understanding. Very understanding! 5:00 AM I got up and opened the door, Lucy went out to the backyard. 15 minutes later she was back with me. At 5:40, my brother left for school and since Mom was up, I had my tea by my bed-side by 6:10.

Usually, Lucy prefers to stay on the floor or her bed and Mom likes it that ways. However, on that day she made an exception and neither Lucy nor I was met with raised brows. By 7:00 AM, I guess I was over with Dad's lecture cum condolence. Well, it was then I found out that he never appreciated NDA. CDS was however fine, by him He was very sarcastic about my choice of NDA, and the JNU degree and all that.

I don't remember a thing of what he said or rather heard anything he said except for a couple of sarcastic remarks, which he dished out with amazing generosity. Sarcasm, I guess is in my genes.

By 7:30 or 7:45 I guess, I was alone in my room, Lucy by my side calling to Nadira*. Yeah, so you thought this post wouldn't have her name? Sorry, to disappoint you!

Personally, 7:45 AM, isn't exactly the time I would do baby sitting especially when I call the baby and he/she slams the phone with his/her venomous tongue which would put even a snake to shame! Luckily, It was not I who had to baby sit but Nadira. And as always she was wonderful at what she did. Had it been me, instead of her I would have dosed of to sleep but she beared my incomprehensible blabbering for unusually long period. Well, she always does that!

Then, I got up burnt my first diary. Satisfied to the greatest extent, my destructive mind was tired. I drifted off to sleep, but there was one thing I could not burn down .. the fall.. the thud.. the memories of the SSB...

Now, please don't give me fucking comments that try for CDS or it happens. I am a person, who does not take failures. Neither, am I satisfied with being "also ranked". And I do not have guts to take another SSB rejection so keep your mouth shut. It's my life . It's my way and I don't give a damn!!!

Lastly, Nadira. I do not know if you do visit my blog or you are going to read this post, but I want to say one thing. Before I wrote this post, I never realised how important was your baby sitting at that time. And I never knew how difficult it was for you to bear me. I never knew that you indeed supported me during that time...and since I had burnt my diary and took a while to start one...I never understood your role.

And, true of me, I never thanked yoy for that. So all I wanted you to know that I will... Someday I will... I surely will.

Right now, I thank Lucy for being with me through thick and thin... You were the best friend I ever had...May your soul rest in peace...

Fool

After many years, I looked up into the sky and felt the same calmness inside me that I felt years ago. I don't know whether any of it makes sense, or whether I do want to make sense but I just want to make sense but I just want to say, blabber, and I don't really care if you get it or not. I write for myself.

Years ago, I used to look up into the sky and gaze into the stars. I never noticed any constellations, or moon or any such thing for that matter. I used to gaze for hours and hours. I felt I was one of them. they told me, that they are always with me... forever, I used to connect with everyone, I cared through them. I thought , if they look up, they would be seeing the same stars, that means if we see the same thing, inspite of the distance, we are indeed connected and close.

They were my biggest strength and motivators. They had always been there. Slowly glowing and illuminating the darkness. Giving light when there was none. Giving hope when there was none. people of the past, present and future used to see them, still see them and will always see them. I could connect to everyone from past and the future. They took me beyond time and era boundaries. They took me anywhere and everywhere I wanted to be.

Then things changed, I fell in love. And she took away my greatest strength. For every time I used to look up, I saw "Orion"and It reminded me of her. Her face, the yellow light of the street lamp that gave her face a golden glow, as if she was made of gold .... the beauty so pure and innocent that touching it would make it dirty. Her dark eyes that shone as black pearl... mesmerizing... enchanting... and captivating like black magic. Her scent- the scent of a woman- the fragrance of love...

The stars mocked at me now, reminding me of my failure. They reminded me of their being out of reach - just like her. The immense distance between us - reminded me of the greater distance between her and me. The darkness of the night reminded me of the dark questions that were between us . The coldness of night and the stars reminded me of the cold feeling she had for me. These stars haunted me, tormented me. These tiny dots reminded me of the my insignificance in her life.

Today when I looked up, it gave me calmness - A CALMNESS OF DIFFERENT KIND. The stars told me, that even if one of them falls it really doesn't matter. It never matters to anyone. That is their destiny and in all probability mine too. They are supposed to exist as long as they can. Their sole purpose is to exist.

Sometimes when I smoke, I think whether I am burning the cigarette or the cigarette is burning me? The fact is: It really doesn't matter. It never mattered to anyone. We both are burning because somebody else wants us to burn.

I am suppose to exist as long as I can. I am running, for what I don't know. After all my education and hard work, what I really desire I really don't know. I have walked on a path for 22 years, where do I want to go, I don't have a clue. Where does this path lead to beside graveyard I don't know. What will become of me, beside my ashes being thrown to "Ganga" no one knows. May be this statement coming from a loser doesn't weigh much but I still ask: "No matter what I do, how much I earn, what I achieve, in the end I am still going to eat the same bread. Khainge to wohi roti na!

"FOOL", you say. I totally accept!!! But what do you really want?