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Friday, June 29, 2007

Sleepless Nights: My worst nightmare

I am completely sloshed as I write this post ( i.e when I chose to write it on a piece of paper)but don't you worry I am not as thunk as drunk I am. I thought a hundred times before I chose to write this post (well actually It will be a series of three posts) but may be due to influence of alcohol I decided to go ahead. May be Nadira* won't like it but at least, I will have a reason, as what made her upset.( If at all she bothers to read the series...)

Anyways, let me tell you a fact, I am kind of freak, insane, mentally unstable psycho guy.(If you don't believe me ask Nadira, she may add some more distinctions to my character!!!) And believe me when I say, you cannot scare me, especially with pain or threat to life etc. I have done things that you would recommend me a solitary confinement but let's save that for the later.

Now, Where was I? Yes, I remember but It doesn't mean I am never scared. There is one thing that still sends a cold shiver down my spine. A kind of chill that you could only experience when you have a nightmare like mine or somebody points a loaded revolver on your temple for the "first" time.( Afterwards you kind of get used to it.)

When I was doing my +2, I had to stay all alone for a period of about a month. No friends, for they had all gone home for holidays, no contacts.... And I had a dream, my nightmare... my worst...

I saw... I went to see a network of tunnels and caves 8in a mountain. Fortunately, for me I was not the lone visitor .there were also28 little kids accompanied by their teachers. It was a bright sunny day.. a perfect day for a picnic but as soon as we all entered the cave it collapsed and entrance was blocked.

Now, the only option left for me was to move downward and look for another exit. I took the lead and asked the kids to follow me . So, i descended downwards, the earth was shaking, and all the dust and pebbles below my feet were moving downwards. It was difficult to keep my balance..... I lied in a natural rock cut shelter, and observed the rate at which the earth moved downwards.

After a while, I continued my descent, aware of the speed of relative objects moving, beneath my feet.. with the kids following me at some distant. Suddenly a rock and some rubble fell from nowhere.The rock grazed past my hands, the torch fell from my hand and swung around looking upwards...it was a reflex action. the rubble had closed the passage. I looked downward, and it was closed.

I was trapped, in a 18 * 5 feet cell. All I could see was some green bushes at some distance through a hole of 6 inch in diameter, which had been formed due to caving in of the earth.

I said "oh God" and my eyes opened. I was sweating profusely, so much that my whole T shirt was wet.. I was shivering, I had goose bumps...and worst of all I remembered the face of every child and amazingly not of any teachers. what was worse was that I believed that all kids were real. I was never for the entire episode afraid for my life... but I had this guilt of not being able to do anything for the kids.

It was around 3:00 am, I went downstairs and did 171 sit-ups on the double bar
(270 degree of movement) all non-stop. My stomach ached, it was difficult to breathe, my head was reeling but I had managed to tire myself out. Completely exhausted, i slept.

I woke the next day, did my regular job, the day was fine but night came... and I was perspiring...again. At about 11:00 I called up home, mom consoled me, but peace was still evading...

I tried to read a book, but those faces came back... it was haunting, I needed a shoulder, a shoulder to cry... there was none.

The only person that was still available in Pune, I knew was "Miss Nadira" and we were not on talking terms. I was all alone. .. Alone and horrified. Horrified and petrified.. Petrified and alone. Alone and shaken..... Shaken and broken... Broken and haunted. Haunted by those faces....Haunted by failure. Failure to protect them... Failure to save the kids... Failure of not being able to stand. Failed and ashamed. Ashamed of being small. Small and insignificant. Insignificant and alone. Alone and the sole survivor. Survivor but a loser. A loser and alone. Alone and uncared... Uncared and alone. Alone... Alone and alone. Alone and lonely. Lonely and alone.

I cried and sobbed. Sobbed and wailed.Wailed and cried. Cried and cried...but my cries were muffled between the four walls of my flat. I thought why wasn't I dead and kids alive. Each face came to my memory... all so innocent, so pure and I could do nothing to save them . Why was this happening? It was a dream but who was there to reason me out?

Out came the newspapers, "Times of India", "The Indian Express", "The Hindu", "The Herald" ..... no such news, no such incident..... I was perspiring.....( Being alone made me read a lot of newspapers.)

I searched Google, no results yet. AOL, yahoo, Bigfoot, Metacrawler... No such happenings.

Why did I see only kids? Why only 28 kids? Why only such school uniforms? I have no answers... Why not a bus accident? Why only a landslide? I don't know. What I saw was real . It is real . It is more than a dream..... It is something beyond my comprehension....

About 5 years have passed since then but still I have hairs standing on end as I recall my nightmare...Can somebody explain me my dream.. I just want those kids to survive. And if this is a premonition then I won't let it happen. Come what may!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey,umm...i am no dream interpreter ..but i guess long period of loneliness must have taken its toll on u.and believe me ,many a times dreams that we see need not carry the same message or meaning as we tend to learn..they can mean something absolutely different ..only a good psychiatrist can help with that..so no it's not any premonition or something like that.it happens in movies only.don't worry..
why have u isolated yourself from world??any specific reason or such aloofness???probably u hav taken life a bit too seriously..a kind suggestion-learn basics of nursing care and help curing people
of their ailments.actually its not you healing them,but it's them who help u to heal up your soul..nothing is more satisfying than giving a person relief from his problems.trust me.when we look at their sufferings,we cant help but say-thank god..it isn't me.my problems are so tiny..and i can't believe i ever complained abt my little troubles...

enough gyaan...girls rarely can control the strong urge of preaching..i m no exception..

Anonymous said...

AAH..I JUST HAPPENED TO READ MY COMMENT ON YOUR POST ONCE AGAIN...n i felt tat i have been just too harsh..sorry if i have sounded overtly aggressive in my last comment.. tc

falcon said...

ok I guess u r shika....
so plz next time use "THE NAME"...
And yeah... ur philosphical preaching was a little overdose so I didn't read IT THAT SERIOUSLY ANYWAYZ....

Tanks to ur bombastic words.... anywayz i didn't find ur comment harsh....
And plz tell me does my post sounds that depressing... let me know...

And I am cool cooler than thou...Atleast..
(i don't hav my papers)...
And ya I would rather help dogs atleast u know they r worth ur help...

shikha said...

hmm...a bit...ur posts do sound bit depressing..not because of the way you say it..but because of the content...u write extremely well.there is no question abt that..but somehow from ur post , it appeared to me that u don't socialize at all and are in some kind of loneliness-depression-loneliness cycle and so probably you need help..but sorry for my horrible solution.everybody is different,i must not forget!!..as far as the way of your writing is concerned, ur post was fantastic..yeah..

falcon said...

thx a lot, may be at that time i didn't socialize much or may be it was a pure coincident...

but ya I do agree I am a loner by nature...
I can be with u8 whole day... probably make u laugh till ur stomach ache.... but can still be at a different world...
any probs mam!!!