Fool

After many years, I looked up into the sky and felt the same calmness inside me that I felt years ago. I don't know whether any of it makes sense, or whether I do want to make sense but I just want to make sense but I just want to say, blabber, and I don't really care if you get it or not. I write for myself.

Years ago, I used to look up into the sky and gaze into the stars. I never noticed any constellations, or moon or any such thing for that matter. I used to gaze for hours and hours. I felt I was one of them. they told me, that they are always with me... forever, I used to connect with everyone, I cared through them. I thought , if they look up, they would be seeing the same stars, that means if we see the same thing, inspite of the distance, we are indeed connected and close.

They were my biggest strength and motivators. They had always been there. Slowly glowing and illuminating the darkness. Giving light when there was none. Giving hope when there was none. people of the past, present and future used to see them, still see them and will always see them. I could connect to everyone from past and the future. They took me beyond time and era boundaries. They took me anywhere and everywhere I wanted to be.

Then things changed, I fell in love. And she took away my greatest strength. For every time I used to look up, I saw "Orion"and It reminded me of her. Her face, the yellow light of the street lamp that gave her face a golden glow, as if she was made of gold .... the beauty so pure and innocent that touching it would make it dirty. Her dark eyes that shone as black pearl... mesmerizing... enchanting... and captivating like black magic. Her scent- the scent of a woman- the fragrance of love...

The stars mocked at me now, reminding me of my failure. They reminded me of their being out of reach - just like her. The immense distance between us - reminded me of the greater distance between her and me. The darkness of the night reminded me of the dark questions that were between us . The coldness of night and the stars reminded me of the cold feeling she had for me. These stars haunted me, tormented me. These tiny dots reminded me of the my insignificance in her life.

Today when I looked up, it gave me calmness - A CALMNESS OF DIFFERENT KIND. The stars told me, that even if one of them falls it really doesn't matter. It never matters to anyone. That is their destiny and in all probability mine too. They are supposed to exist as long as they can. Their sole purpose is to exist.

Sometimes when I smoke, I think whether I am burning the cigarette or the cigarette is burning me? The fact is: It really doesn't matter. It never mattered to anyone. We both are burning because somebody else wants us to burn.

I am suppose to exist as long as I can. I am running, for what I don't know. After all my education and hard work, what I really desire I really don't know. I have walked on a path for 22 years, where do I want to go, I don't have a clue. Where does this path lead to beside graveyard I don't know. What will become of me, beside my ashes being thrown to "Ganga" no one knows. May be this statement coming from a loser doesn't weigh much but I still ask: "No matter what I do, how much I earn, what I achieve, in the end I am still going to eat the same bread. Khainge to wohi roti na!

"FOOL", you say. I totally accept!!! But what do you really want?