PS: The Blog Header is designed by Ashish - The Future Emperor of the World

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Fool

After many years, I looked up into the sky and felt the same calmness inside me that I felt years ago. I don't know whether any of it makes sense, or whether I do want to make sense but I just want to make sense but I just want to say, blabber, and I don't really care if you get it or not. I write for myself.

Years ago, I used to look up into the sky and gaze into the stars. I never noticed any constellations, or moon or any such thing for that matter. I used to gaze for hours and hours. I felt I was one of them. they told me, that they are always with me... forever, I used to connect with everyone, I cared through them. I thought , if they look up, they would be seeing the same stars, that means if we see the same thing, inspite of the distance, we are indeed connected and close.

They were my biggest strength and motivators. They had always been there. Slowly glowing and illuminating the darkness. Giving light when there was none. Giving hope when there was none. people of the past, present and future used to see them, still see them and will always see them. I could connect to everyone from past and the future. They took me beyond time and era boundaries. They took me anywhere and everywhere I wanted to be.

Then things changed, I fell in love. And she took away my greatest strength. For every time I used to look up, I saw "Orion"and It reminded me of her. Her face, the yellow light of the street lamp that gave her face a golden glow, as if she was made of gold .... the beauty so pure and innocent that touching it would make it dirty. Her dark eyes that shone as black pearl... mesmerizing... enchanting... and captivating like black magic. Her scent- the scent of a woman- the fragrance of love...

The stars mocked at me now, reminding me of my failure. They reminded me of their being out of reach - just like her. The immense distance between us - reminded me of the greater distance between her and me. The darkness of the night reminded me of the dark questions that were between us . The coldness of night and the stars reminded me of the cold feeling she had for me. These stars haunted me, tormented me. These tiny dots reminded me of the my insignificance in her life.

Today when I looked up, it gave me calmness - A CALMNESS OF DIFFERENT KIND. The stars told me, that even if one of them falls it really doesn't matter. It never matters to anyone. That is their destiny and in all probability mine too. They are supposed to exist as long as they can. Their sole purpose is to exist.

Sometimes when I smoke, I think whether I am burning the cigarette or the cigarette is burning me? The fact is: It really doesn't matter. It never mattered to anyone. We both are burning because somebody else wants us to burn.

I am suppose to exist as long as I can. I am running, for what I don't know. After all my education and hard work, what I really desire I really don't know. I have walked on a path for 22 years, where do I want to go, I don't have a clue. Where does this path lead to beside graveyard I don't know. What will become of me, beside my ashes being thrown to "Ganga" no one knows. May be this statement coming from a loser doesn't weigh much but I still ask: "No matter what I do, how much I earn, what I achieve, in the end I am still going to eat the same bread. Khainge to wohi roti na!

"FOOL", you say. I totally accept!!! But what do you really want?

11 comments:

Man of Roma said...

Beautiful post and very poetic, only listen: why failure, how can you be a failure at 22! Or a loser! I wish I were 22! Job (or study) failures, and love failures .... the lives of everyone are full of that, I have had so many I cannot count them. And “failures”, “being a loser”, it is just crap, it's just in our mind, a mental ghost to haunt us, nothing more, and when we realize it's only a shade, it will vanish if you think of it just as crap.

Do not torment yourself Falcon! Even if the universe has no meaning, we are HERE and we are ALIVE, and life is a gift (from whom I do not know), a great opportunity in any case, even when we suffer.

Chances are I am closer to death than you are, but who *the hell* cares, dear Falcon. I am FINE until I am HERE on this planet. The day I'll be no more I'll not be able to be sorry for that.

And maybe, who knows, Gods exist, maybe we will meet them, I do not know, it is not one of my biggest problems anyway.

All the best, my dear Falcon

falcon said...

@Man of Roma

Thx for the comment and appreciation... But I do not consider myself a failure becoz of study, love etc...
It's not that I haven't failed but that's not the reason.

FYI my life is going gr8 as far as materialistic world is concerned but it's a feeling which is difficult to describe.

It's not as if I asm unaffected by sucess or failure but the impact is felt for not more than 5- 10 minutes. I am as unmoved by a gold medalc as I am with a flunked result.

What I search and crave is unknown. And It's jus that makes me feel as a loser. I am aimless..and that's what worries me... We all judge our sucess by our career prospects but there is more to it than money or career!!!

We all are goiun to eat the same bread... buit life has to have some more of it... there has to be some meaning to it..living for the sake of living is no life at all.

I don't know if I MAKING SOME SENSE OR NOT...

BUT I SUGGEST YOU TO REREAD THE LAST TWO PARAS.

shikha said...

damnnn goood post..marvelous job..clap clap clap :)..boy,u've come a long way..now here i go with my gyaan..
you are not a loser..mainly because i don't think of myself as a loser..and i felt exactly t same emotions as you did..the only difference is that i feel it a bit more frequently.
this feeling is not related to our success or failure status in material world.sometimes it makes us feel that we r a misfit and we wonder why nothing around can give us happiness tat lasts longer tan a few minutes..people all around appear so happy and satisfied with their lives whereas we are still to adapt ourselves to be able to live in all this materialism.everything appears meaningless.career,money,bigger house,flashy mobiles...nothing excites..our logic says that when one has to just die out one day,then y live??whats t bloody point??
i dnt know how much u can agree wit me..but i just stated all tis bcoz the very basic feeling is mutual here..

so,what to do??is it depression?or hopelessness??or is there something more to it?? well, I bet there is some far deeper sense to it..i think this feeling gives u tat essential pause from rat race we all r running..race tat ends nowhere..its like running in circles.but,this pause makes us rethink and question a lot of stuff we usually ignore or plainly neglect..we r connecting wit ur innerself.we revise our priorities in life n cut all cheap frills tis world is so damn crazy abt,if u know wat i mean..in short it helps us grow into a sensible person.
but a part of mind still says,whats t use??we all will vanish one day.then why even take al this effort??but then i say-"when in rome,do as t romans do"..similarly wen we r here as life forms,do as humans do.enjoy t journey n retire..love someone truly,n be optimistic abt t future.spend quality time in doing wat u like,n never ever indulge in past grief,sadness..bcoz all it does is,cling to us like a leech n sucks out all t happines.and we sure dnt want to feel all sad n lost.so,lets jst be ourselves n celebrate life..
hmmm...gawd,maine kuch jyada hi likh diya..anyway..i hope u wil agree wit this..atleast 1percent..
:)

falcon said...

@! Shikha

1. it's not Gawd but God...guess it's a signature of every BJites...2. What's the point of thinkin when u know u are again goin to run again that mad race...
3. Thx for ur gyan.. atleast I am not thew only one whoo feels like that...
4. thx for being my most loyal reader.. personally I would have never reached the end of this crap post...
5. y is ur blog dead???

shikha said...

one question-every bjite?how many do u know to say that?
one thought-the spelling mistakes are to be ignored when they are made deliberately.
one answer-my blog is not dead yet.i will post something soon.

Man of Roma said...

I re-read them. I can interpret it as a moment of void in your life and within your spirit. I agree with what your friend shikha said...this feeling is not related to successes or failures in the material world. But right for this reason, it can be a bit harder to fight.

I had these moments too in my life. Console yourself though, dear Falcon, since often they are a sign that something is changing in your spirit and is evolving towards something better. At least this happened to me … like a sense of displacement that can arrive because of this change. Maybe something is changing too inside of you, so you suddenly find yourself like in the moon or in an unknown (spiritual) place ….

In any case, whatever it is, try to be strong …

falcon said...

@shikha
Well, to begin with I read blogs of some of ur BJite friends... and Girls in particular use the Word "GAWD" more often than not.

Secondly I shall respond to ur question in a mail very soon...May be in abt 2 months...

Thirdly, Sorry Ur blog is not dead butit is in ICCU at apoint ofno recovery ;-)

@Man Of Roma

1. I don't believe u haqd the patience to go through it once again...

2.Changes are going to happen, displacement is going to be there99% but whether it's for good or bad I don't know. All I can say is any change is welcome... Afterall my new resolution are to be kept...

3. Thx for ur support and kind annd very useful advice

shikha said...

lots of love to man of roma..
he agrees with me :)

falcon said...

@ Shikha
I never knew you guys teamed up...

Man of Roma said...

I only team with women, it is a rule for me, but I accept love from everywhere, ah ah ah ah.

All the best, dear Indian guys

falcon said...

Lol