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Sunday, January 04, 2009

Then She smiled

"Monday was fine and I was on a high
Oh you thrilled me
I should be alright but Friday I died when you killed me
You're bringing me down to my knees,
Becoz I love You I love you so oh oh..."

There was a time when young maiden dreamt about those "knights in the shining armour". What made those maiden dream of them? Because they were not only brave but also chivalrous. As time changed, those knights became rare and people only talked about them. Slowly... and slowly they became extinct. And in these days of modern cars, they were reduced to a phrase used by hot gals.

Chivalry too, lost to the "cool dudes with attitudes" and in this world of modern times is a rare commodity. After all dry cleaning a coat is horribly expensive. Moreover in contrast to maidens with flowing gowns there is too little clothes on the hot babes to get dirty.

Our story begins in such modern times, where there are more hunks and no knights... where equality of sexes = going dutch. Where being open minded = using "fuck" as a conjunction. In the city of Pune - "the oxford of the east"....chivalry still a rare commodity.

And the last place to look for it was in him. Strangely enough he didn't belong to the "cool dude" category either. If you were to label him ... "born looser" would still be calling him euphemistically... with one exception, he had this devil may care attitude.

He would eat chocolate truffle with his mouth open in a coffee shop, using his hands and then lick his finger clean with a beautiful maiden beside him. Drink the water of a finger bowl only to get the pleasure of embarrassing his friends. He would readily ride pillion on a scooty with a gal dropping him home. Yawn with mouth as wide as a crocodile, eat "maggi noodles" cooked at home in a multiplex and even offer it to complete stranger in a middle of a movie to stop his staring look!!! Get bald and then would want opinion on his new hair-do. His long walks on date would translate to a walk of 5km at 3:00 pm. He would go to a girl with a bouquet and then ask her if it was fine to give it to his sister (Good Lord, it was his and not her sister)and not to mention the bouquet was made of wilting flowers. He would sit in a restaurant with the finest gentry on a chair turned around and then would proceed to make an ambigram of the gals name on tissue paper. He was the kind who could wear pink shirt on a date because his mother presented him so. But that was him a year ago... Had he changed??? He was in Pune after a gap of one year...

In an Autorickshaw near the university gate a cellphone beeped.


" I am leaving for home. You are two hour late!"

" I am sorry. You know it was rakhi yesterday... and my sister didn't allow me to leave till 11:00. Please wait I'll come!"

Somethings never change. Of all the days in a year he had picked the day after rakhi. What if she tied rakhi on his wrist!!! He hadn't even confessed his feelings for her! And to top it up he was going to see her after a year and was already two hours late.

" I am waiting since morning to meet you. I am going home."

" Please wait. I am on my way. "

" How much time will it take? "

" I am near the university gate and there is a traffic jam. I'll be there in an hour."

" An hour!!! It was a holiday in my college and I am here waiting for you. I am leaving."

"See, I know you waited so long and you can abuse me as much as you want but I can't talk to you right now. The traffic is too loud here. So it's better not to increase your mobile bill. you can scold me as much as you want once want once I reach there!!!"

Born loser - as ever. He takes things for granted. Man, didn't you hear she just said she'll be leaving.

"Alright! I am going to the library. Call me when you come! I will wait exactly for one hour and then I leave."

Well gal on the line appeared to have more sense than this complete nonsensical fellow. If I were to suggest, She should go to the library forever than be with this guy for a minute...

About 50 minute later, the auto stopped at the Pune Station.
"How much is it?", he asked the Auto rickshaw driver

"100 ruppees"

Damn this Auto driver has robbed me, he thought as he paid the guy but I had to hurry.

"Now how much am I left ?", he mumbled. "Damn, 110 this is bad... + 100 from my reserve that is 210 and there is 3 rupee change so 213."

"OK nearest ATM of HDFC at east street, so auto fare will not be more than .... *4 +2 that is 10 or at max 12 so I have 201 left. Now, where is the florist... shit man no florist at the station. Ok Chocolates... " he kept on mumbling as he walked without paying attention to the traffic and oblivious to the abuses hurled by the chaotic traffic.

He ran across the street narrowly missing a car, bumping into a bicycle front wheel, making his rider loose his balance and in the process getting the title of "Yede" (mad).

Now I must confess that this bicycle rider must have been a sheer genius to have analysed his character in a blink of an eye.

"OK. Ferrero Rocher ...160.."he continued his calculation..
"Ferrero Rocher??" he questioned the shopkeeper.
He jumped to the next shop..."Ferrero Rocher??" he questioned the shopkeeper.
And then he hopped to the third ..."Ferrero Rocher??" he questioned the shopkeeper.
"Kidhar milega?" ("Where will I find it?")
"Idhar nahin" ( Not in the neighbourhood)
"Cadbury's temptations?"
"Which Flavours?"
"Rum and raisin, almonds, all of them are here.."
" give me 5 ", he said while mentally calculating 40*5 is 200.

"He shoved the chocolates in his bag and ran towards the BJ Medical college"

"Two minutes are still there.."

"Hey, where are you I am at the gate...", He spoke on his cellphone.
"I am coming downstairs in two minutes.."

"Hiiii, since you were late I was in the library", she said with an extra stress on I when he saw her..

Damn, man MBBS is quite tough, he spoke in his mind or may be perfectionist study a lot!!

"I am sorry... Now where do you want to go?"

"So, finally you made it! I was waiting for you all the time...We can go wherever you want!"

In his mind he spoke to himself, " I made it? You have no idea how I made it! Boy do you have any ideas that the train services from North India has been interrupted due to floods... And you know I would have made even if I were Dead... Boy you waited for me all the time...You would come with me... anywhere.... Please say it to me once more... Please... "

Now this idiot, (and I hope "the idiots" don't take offense) had interpreted the meaning totally out of context! Get back to reality for heaven sake!

"Get back to reality" he did. "Before we leave I need to go to HDFC ATM, I have just 10 rupees in my pocket", he said as if he had a Ferrari in his pocket. Well, I did say "Get back to reality" but I did not expect it to be in such a loser style.

I was not there to advise him but rain gods were. This is a love story isn't it? So how could it be without rain? And It's my story so I can do whatever I want. Isn't it?

And as with every story that is even remotely connected to romance, it started to rain... Not heavily. It never rains heavily in Pune, just a drizzle.

"Hey it has started raining.", he said and we better get going before you catch a cold..

Great Man! You are not as stupid as you look! With a little bit of luck the guy can actually date. Man come on Dance on Chance
Come on ask her to walk... She's carrying an umbrella. One umbrella two people. What more could you want! This is the best way you can get close to her!!! Literally and figuratively. You are a broke! The ATM ain't that far. Ask her to walk with you. If you don't I'll curse you till my death bed...

"I could never understand the whole point of sharing an umbrella, in the end both the individuals get wet! It's better not to share, that ways, atleast one of them is gonna stay dry. Let's take a rick!!!"

Come on you lunatic how dumb can you get! Hell with your rationality!!! "Both the individuals get wet". Hell The whole point of sharing an umbrella is to get wet and in turn come closer!!! Damn you nub! People even get wet with umbrella and raincoat! Did you forget Mr. India, Chalbaaz, Spiderman! Don't you watch movies! "Pyaar hua ikraar hua ... Pyar se fir kyon darta hai dil.." The eternal Raj Kapoor's rain song! That's the beauty of rain. The umbrella is only there to cover your face when you start coochicooing. There is only one thing that annoys me more than seeing talent going wasted and that is opportunity going wasted.

Stupid, the love is not in the air but it is in the rain. Hell you'll die in hell. Damn' it you insulted the rain god! You mocked the Cupid! And lastly, let's leave that God Out, I have a feeling that you haven't been blessed by him!!! How can one, ever be so dumb!

She turned around,opened her umbrella and pretended to move towards the college gate. Look, that's the real use of an umbrella. If you would turned her and looked at her face. You could easily, see her disgust and dismay at being stuck with such a loser. And in all probability she would be dead than be seen with you idiot.

But, he was too busy in himself to notice that she had turned away and moved towards the gate. He adjusted his back-pack and rummaged through it to take out the chocolates.

"Hey Niharika, wait!" he called as he caught up to her at the gate.

"What?", she looked to him with questioning eyes.

"I am sorry", he said.

"It's Ok.", she said as her eyes were still fixed on him.

Slowly, her eyes moved down to his hand holding a chocolate and her eyes brightened with excitement and innocence of a child. She grabbed the chocolate and said "Thank You!" as she turned around unwrapping the packet.

He admired the skills with which she tore the wrapping, it seemed as if it was not a chocolate but a blooming flower.

I do agree that her unwrapping style was in contrast with his rustic savage method. He was the one who would open any parcel like a dog mad on a newspaper, however it was not the most important thing to be admired. What we males need to admire is the effortless way in which girls transfer their gaze from one part of body to the other, on the other hand males have almost always have their eyes fixed on six inches below the gals chin. Our so called hero, may be an an exception though.

She had barely taken two steps when he called her name again, "Niharika!"
She turned again.
"I am sorry!", he said as his hand held another chocolate to her.
She was surprised and delighted, "You know you have completely made up for the delay", she said as she accepted another one. She once again turned to proceed to the gate.

"Niharika, I am sorry!!!", he said again as he another chocolate in his hand.
She turned and said, "This is too good!" and took another bar from him. She looked at him, and he thought "damn she is pretty."

Seeing, a poker face she turned again to the the gate.

"I am sorry", he said again as soon as she turned her back.
She turned to find him holding another chocolate out of nowhere. "Alright, out with it. How many more do you have?"
"Just one more", he grinned. "I am sorry!" and he handed her the fifth bar and then called out to an Auto-rickshaw.

Man, I got to admit that he is not that stupid. I always knew "Chocolates" were an aphrodisiac but it being a mood changer, is something I haven't heard before. Besides, this guy played his cards right. He did two things that any gal loves besides chocolate.
1. Pampering.
2. Hearing "sorry" from guys, it doesn't matter for what!

In the rickshaw, he admired her lovely face. Fine, I know her name is Niharika, and I also know that "Niharika" means someone to be admired( Niharna = looking amiringly) but Damn you duffer you think of romance now! You blew away an excellent opportuninty. Why the hell did you take an auto-rickshaw? With only 13 Rs in your pocket. Hell you should be looking at the meter! Heck, are you gonna ask her to pay? If ever, they are going to distribute the Noble for the worst grasp of situation, this guy would win it hands down!!!

Why doesn't this guy write a book titled "1001 dumb things to do on a date"?

"Bas yahin rok dena Bhaiya", (Please stop the auto rickshaw) he said as the rickshaw reached the ATM.

"Wait", he mumbled to the gal whose face he had been admiring all the while. And without even waiting for her response. He jumped out and ran across the road. Jumped over the fence that served over the road divider and ran to the ATM without even looking for the traffic. Somewhere a car came to a screeching halt. He muttered "sorry" which was barely audible, and then joined the queue at the ATM.

A couple of minutes later, someone patted him at the back.

"You should have atleast waited for me!", she said.

" I told you to wait!", he said as a matter of fact.

Sorry, my dear you didn't say you just mumbled. An incomprehensible word, that no one in the world could possibly understand.

Across the road, the auto rickshaw that they had hired started its ignition and sped away.

Kudos, to you dude!!! First you tell her that you have no money and then you make her pay and on top of that you are the one who hired a rickshaw. Man, the golden rule of going dutch is to be able to pay for your part, you cheap!

"Why don't you get into the umbrella?", she asked.
With his face turned up towards the sky, he spread his arms, and felt the rain drops on his closed eyes, he just muttered through his grinding his teeth, "I am fine. I Like rain!"
" I don't like rain", she said.
" What you don't like rain?" He came out of his trance...

Boy, she means to say she doesn't like rain with you.

" I mean I like rain, but I don't like puddle of mud. You know you get dirty."

"So, you want slopes so that the water doesn't stay to form a puddle. You don't want your feet to get dirty."

"Yeah, exactly! I shouldn't get my feet dirty."

"Aapke paanv itne sunder, inhe zameen pe mat rakhiyega, maile ho jayenge" ,he laughed at his own joke.( One of the most famous dialogue of the Indian cinema of all times from the movie "Pakeezah" roughly translated in english as "Your feet are so beautiful, don't keep them on ground lest it should be dirty.)

"Not Panv, joote gande nahin hone chahiye", she said playing along and lifted her leg to indicate to show her dislike for muddy water. ("Not feet but even my shoes shouldn't get dirty." )

He laughed but in the process he caught the twinkle in her eyes. Mesmerized, his face grew serious. He spoke, "Now, I really can't change the terrain nor I could clean the puddle formed in Pune but I could do one thing..."

He went on his knees, and joined his hands to form a cup in front of her sandals, looked straight into her eyes and said,"Madam Please..."

She turned her head and looked away. And then she smiled...

I believe chivalry is not something that can be taught, it has to come from heart... and true chivalry would always bring smiles on faces of maidens...

Males please highlight the area below and to read further

Now, guys we all know that it was dumb thing to do. To be honest, I couldn't think of a way to end this post. Anyways, you think she smiled because he was chivalrous? Or she smiled because she was dead embarrassed? Or she smiled because he was dead dumb? What do you think? Pleas do let me know. Really it isn't that simple to figure out what a female mind thinks. Is it? Even God have failed to understand it?
But in general, they don't listen and always do the opposite of what has been told to them. They are never satisfied and always snooping. They act to prove themselves smart and fails miserably. Then they are fuming in anger and label us chauvinist.

The females would say, "How dare you say that?" I am sorry mam but I also told you not to read any further. Didn't I? You did not listen. Just did opposite of what I told you. You were not satisfied with the story and snooped. You acted to prove yourself smart and failed. Now you are angry and thinking that I am an MCP. Am I wrong?

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Pissed off with Birthdays

About three to four years I received a mail from a birthday alarm link from a gal. I ignored it and surprisingly she was offended! Now, that damn link has come to haunt me again. My inbox is cluttered with more than twenty such links asking me to fill in my birthday details so that they could be notified that it's my birthday!!!

Thanks but no thanks!!! I am frustrated with the whole birthday shit. "So, when is your birthday?", they ask.
"25th December"
"Oh on Christmas!"
"No, it's on Good Friday. Heck It's Christmas you moron. December 25 is Christmas, damn it!"

The way I see it there are only five kind of people you know.
1. The people whom you wish that they remember your birthday and they wish you.
2. People whom you wish don't remember your birthday but they do.
3. People whom you wish they remember your birthday but they don't.
4. People whom you think they should forget your birthday and but they don't.
5. People who remember your birthday after hearing it from others.

Now type 1 are the easiest to deal with. There is no formality, no thank you, no need for any gifts and parties. Unfortunately, these kind are a rare lot.

Type 2, people are the ones who burn a hole in your pocket. They will ask for a party, get you the cake and other shit, and force you to celebrate. You are forced to say thank you to them, while wishing secretly that they were dead so you would be able to spend time with Type 1 .

Type 3, people are a troublesome lot. They are the one who will spoil your entire day. I mean as per general consensus, this day is supposed to be a special one but they ruin your day. Every passing moment increases your restlessness and misery for you expect their call but they don't. And then you feel miserable by the time the day is over.

Type 4, These are the ones most difficult to handle because they make you feel confused. When they wish, you pray that the your birthday must be dropped from the calendar. It's such an uncomfortable position. Secretly, you wish that they do remember it! You have, at one time shared great relationship with them, now things have changed. And now, their wishing you takes you back to the time you always cherished but is now impossible.

Just to make my point clear, "we parted our ways" ("we parted our ways" is my love version. My version "I was abandoned as a stray rabid dog".) on 25 December 2006. Now, in all these years I have tried so hard to make a conversation but my effort has been brutally crushed by the great weapon, and "extremely painful silence". Yet on this day
she always scraps me "her birthday wishes" (Mind you it's her. I am not gay :))I would like to think that she remembers my birthday but the truth is that it's the most important day in her life. It's the day of her freedom. It's the day she got the salvation from the torture of tolerating me. Quite frankly, tolerating me for five minutes is like being given a 3rd degree torture for 30 years. That's another story! But then why wish me? Why the heck do it ? What the hell does it signify?

Type 5, are the people who wish you for sake of wishing you. And then ask for treat, knowing fully well that they won't get any. Don't these people have something to eat at home. Thanks for the wishes but your Birthday would be more happy without them. Man, aren't we all sick and tired of saying"Thank you" a thousand times. And thanks to this great "chirkut" site called Orkut. You have an additional burden of sending extra "Thank You" scraps.

The Best way to avoid it is change your birth month 14 days prior to your birthday. That ways your birthday is still visible to those dumb idiots while they don't realize that the month has changed. No one suspects, and Orkut birthday reminders is bypassed.

Come on guys, you got to accept if they were less idiots to irritate, you would live longer. Worst, of these lots are the ones who say two days later to your birthday, " I remembered X birthday and Y birthday but you never told yours."

"Duffer, if you know that much don't you realize that if I gave you any importance, I would have told you. So, why don't you forget to show your face like you did two days ago."

In my case it is even worse, they say, "Yaar I went to a party and then I forgot it completely. Sorry, I couldn't come to your flat!"

"Sorry, but I never invited you in first place!"

And, then again it is chore to wish these people on their birthdays. How many am I supposed to remember?

And for girls telling your birthday is telling your age!!! Simple, Just casually ask the day of the week on which they were born. Now you know, their approximate age. A simple calculation would give their birth year. If you don't know the calculation you could always google for calendars. And what's better many of the gals sport their zodiac year. Google for chinese calendar and there you get the age.

For eg: My profile shows "OX", Approximate age 21-24. Birthday December 25. OX corresponds to only one year that is 1985. There it is.

Come on guys, do you remember your birthday? Do you remember your parents, siblings ( no cousins), spouse, child, Current BF/GF birthday? In 99.99% cases the answer is yes. Why? because they are important to us. So, you'll remember my birthday if I am important to you? Why the heck do you need a birthday alarm or reminder?

And, before you make a grumpy face when I don't wish you on your birthday. I need to tell you one thing I remember my dog's birthday.
Mahi And Torque - December 18, 2003
Lucy- May 22, 1999.

I think you are wise enough to understand!!!

And Lastly,For Heaven sake Do me a favour and please don't spam me with those stupid birthday alarms!