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Saturday, June 14, 2008

What If?

One of the most efficient ways of killing time, or should I say slaughtering time is to day dream. And it can be one of the most effective way of "leg pulling". So, when I met "Sid" on 8th probably for the last time since I am relocating, we had those "What If...?" rounds.

In case you want a description of "Sid", I describe him in one sentence. His Girlfriend married his boyfriend. Anyways, Sid asked me three question which are particularly of interest.

Q1. What if you married?
Q2. What if you had kids?
Q3. What if your kids were like you?

Ans 1:
To begin with, it is rather difficult for him to see me married. And before you jump in your chair, we are just friends. And yes he is straight. For him, I am the kid brother type, the sweet teddy bear type material and not a "marriage guy" or "my boyfriend" type. An idea which I strongly disagree.

For all the attractive females out over there, the question was put up for an open invite. It doesn't matter whether you are committed or married or whatever. The only condition is that the time you are going to spend with me I need your absolute and undivided attention, the rest of the time you are free to do whatever you like! two time, three time, I just don't care!!! After all I started to blog to impress the gal and some chicks. Till date my score is still zero so please help. Your contribution is appreciated and greatly revered!!!

Ans 2:
Now the "if" in this question doesn't regard to my capabilities. FYI, and to the benefit of my female readers I want to make clear in no uncertain terms that I am not technically challenged. In other words, there has been no "manufacturing defect" with me and I come with a life-time guarantee, until and unless critical parts are intentionally damaged or severed. No replacements in any case. Please read the offer document carefully before you apply.

The question pertains to the fact do you really want to clean the shit at middle of the night? Come on gals, do you really want to loose your great figure and want to be called an "Aunt" or "Aunti" all for a damned bald baby? Do you really want that your career, your hobbies, you friends and all the things you really care about take a back stage because some stupid bald classical singer has started to sing?

Ans 3:
Heck, Kids!!! and then the one like me! I won't even wish that for my enemy! I know it might sound exaggerating but you should really ask my parents about it. Every time, I wish my Dad a "Good Morning"! I get the same reply, "Son, after having a son like you I am sure that none of my mornings are ever going to be good!!!" The world is already a very complicated and bad place. We shouldn't complicate it any further, right?

The day I was born, I stopped an old woman from going to the church, spoiled a Christmas party, and kept awake my whole family. My parents had no clue that their child is a devil incarnate, and is a result of "law of averages" Don't worry, if I have a baby that is just like me, either I am going to commit suicide or I am going to kill the baby. And killing the baby would just be a self defense!!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My personal resolutions - Update

My cigarette intake has reduced in past several months, but I never promised to reduce it!!! May be I'll quit if I don't get my brand.

Chetan Bhagat in his book said, "When bad things come to an end, good things also come to an end". Same words can be used to describe my feelings, today being my last day in Mumbai or rather Navi-Mumbai. I am relocating to a new place, though it is not some hill station with lots of "Mongolian race" gals. I have atleast stayed on my words.

I suppose my plans of opening a "Chinese tapri" (Chinese stall) in front with a "Chinki" (no offense meant, the word is just easier to type) gal in front of J.W. Marriot will have to wait

I wanted to meet some friends, some acquantices, some people I know and some whom I knew, but you really can't have everything. Funny I am saying such things about Mumbai, two years earlier I would have scoffed at the idea.

The worst part is that my cigarette is rare and costs INR 6 compared to INR 5 at my new city. (city may be just a generic term!!!)

There is only one thing left to do burn my personal dairy. I guess I'll ask my friend to do it!!!

I think these lines makes more of a sense now..

lo ateet se utna heen,
jitna ki poshak ho,
jeern- sheern ka moh to,
mirtyu ka dyotak hai..
Gati jeevan ka satya cheerantan...
itne gatimay bano
jitna ki swayam parivartan hai...

I guess I should say "Astla vista Mumbai" or "Adios Mumbai" or "Goodbye Mumbai"...Nah I'll do it my style

Jai ram ji ki Mumbai Baba. Jai ram ji ki Maharashtra!!!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Destructive Mind

About five years ago I recieved an e-mail from a friend-acquantice that contained a beautiful poem. I reproduce it as follows:

Around the corner I have
a friend,
In this great city
that has no end,
Yet the days go by
and weeks rush on,
And before I know it,
a year is gone.
And I never see my
old friends face,
For life is a swift
and terrible race,
He knows I like him
just as well,
As in the days when
I rang his bell.
And he rang mine if,
we were younger then,
And now we are busy,
tired men.
Tired of playing a
foolish game,
Tired of trying to
make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I
will call on Jim"
"Just to show that
I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes
and tomorrow goes,
And distance between
us grows and grows.
Around the corner!
yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram
sir" "Jim died today."
And that's what we
get and deserve in the
Around the corner, a
vanished friend.

Today, while I was cleaning my suitcase in which I keep my souvenirs of good and bad times. I found this semi-original creation probably written to vent out my anger!!! As I see today, this destructive version of the above poem has more of a relevance.

Around the corner I am
the fiend,
In this great city
my vice has no end,
Yet the days go by
and weeks rush on,
And before you know it,
the terror is on.
And you never see my
ugly fiends face,
For I am swift
and have terrible rage,
I know you're like me
just as well,
As in the days when
you could sell.
And you'd bend line if,
you had the dime,
And now you are sleazy,
tired men.
Tired of playing a
foolish Saint,
Tired of trying to
make a dent.
"Tomorrow" you say! "I
will damn him"
"Just to show that
I make him."
But tomorrow comes
and tomorrow goes,
And your cribbing
grows and grows.
Around the corner!
yet miles away,
"Here's a message
sir" gone are your days"
And that's what you
get and deserve in the
And I've beaten you,
in your own den.
I am your creation,
from your own pen,
This is my strength,
and this is your bane.
My time has come,
and you are down the drain.
And I own the rainbow,
and all u have is pain.
Around the corner, I
have beaten you in your game.
Around the corner,
there is a hell.
I am its master,
and its for you to dwell.
Around the corner, I
have beaten you in your game.
and before you know it,
I am the vanished fiend.

I told you, "A destructive mind can be very creative!!!"

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Inflation and the stupid Economist

Child Psychologists say that a man who has got 20 years of formal education, has irrevocably lost or damaged 70% of his IQ. I have completed 18 years of formal education by 10 + 2 + 4 years (and 2 years in kinder garden) so I must have lost 63% of my IQ. Hence I no qualms in saying "Main panchvi pass se tej nahin hoon" ( I am not smarter than a 5th grade kid.) Having said that, I hope the readers will appologise me for my stupidity and mistaken concepts regarding Inflation and Economy.

Though I don't have an much of an IQ, I have my basic chemistry intact and a little bit of common sense.

Basic crude oil Refining

As seen from, petrol being lighter and more volatile distills out first at about 120 C while the diesel comes out much later at 270 C. Obviously more energy is required to extract diesel from crude oil and as such it must be more costly. However in India we get Diesel at about INR 34 and Petrol at about INR 50. Diesel is subsidy, as India being an agro-based country needs diesel for tractors, tube wells etc.

If that's the case then I don't understand why the Under Performing Alliance prime-minister and the famous economist Dr. Manmohan Singh means by "subsidy cannot be given forever"

Does he mean to say that Diesel prices will be raised by about INR 15? Does he mean to say that the successive government knowingly gave the Oil companies huge losses and deliberately planned a situation where they don't have funds to buy crude oil? Does he mean to say that in last 60 years none of the oil companies ever made a profit? And ONGC being rated in Fortune 500 is a hoax?

Unfortunately, facts tell otherwise. In Pakistan, as on 16 March 2008 petrol was INR 39.64 where as Diesel was at 24.59 INR. In 2002, petrol in India was costlier by 22% and 45% compared to Pakistan and Bangladesh respectively.

Anyway, as I said I am no economist, so before starting this post I looked up to the dictionary to know what the term subsidy means. Well, Webster defines subsidy as a grant by a government to a private person or company to assist an enterprise deemed advantageous to the public.Unsatisfied with the definition I referred a second one and it defined the word more precisely as"an amount of money that the government pays to help reduce cost of product or service"

Obviously the whole and sole aim of subsidy is to reduce the cost of product, so if the world wide oil prices are increasing, the best buffer can be to reduce the taxes on the fuel. And it is a well known fact, that if taxes are remove from petrol and diesel there prices will fall in India irrespective of the current state of the world market.

It follows that our government and Dr. Manmohan Singh thinks that leaving a tax of INR 20 on an item priced at INR 100 whose production cost is at INR 1 is also a subsidy and it cannot go on forever.

To show the greatness of our economist and our budget planners, let's look at a very simple item. Milk in India costs about INR 20 while as a Soft Drinks are priced at INR 30 a litre or INR 42 per 1.5 litre. And before you jump to say that Soft drink is a Luxury while milk is a necessity, I haven't finished yet. Mineral water is at INR 10 per litre!!!

Now, does the government thinks that a drinking water is not as big necessity as that of milk? Or it simply wants to state that two litres of water are equivalent to 1 litre of milk? And don't you think that 250 ml of carbonated water ( 1.5 litre of soft drinks) should be made cheaper???

It is pretty strange that we will fight with our grocer for charging 50 paise extra, fight out in court to avoid paying a rupee extra over MRP but never ever utter a single word when the government makes us pay through our nose in name of inflation. Like I said, we all have had formal education and has lost our IQ somewhere during our education.

So, what's wrong if we pay more? We are making our country developed, Right? No wrong again!!! Let's see how we spend the money! 5-year plan is turned into a 50-year plan of corruption. So our Under Performing Alliance (UPA) government takes pride in the sucess of the "Pradhan Mantri Gram Sadak Yojna". It is simply a waste of money. It's an insult to labour and mockery of intelligence.

What kind of road do they build? Is it a pitched road? a concrete road?NO. It is a road that is made of clay. Motorable during summers and with monsoon it disintegrates, and the next summer the process is repeated again. Why can't they sanction a pitch road?

I guess, our Prime minister has done a PhD.and thus has more than 20 years of formal education and has lost more than 70% of his IQ. He is incompetent to make his own decisions and thus needs guidance in everything he does. And the God Sent guidance in form of Under Performer's Alliance chairperson Ms. Sonia Gandhi!!!