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Friday, February 16, 2007

Excerpt from diary

"Broken and broken
again on the sea, the moon
so easily mends.

Im gorging on icecream n
reading haiku instead of
being at college.. must b d
clement weather"
2-JUNE-2005 14:42:57

Well, I wanted to write something for the valentine day (on 14th itself) and that does not include sarcasm. Unable to write something romantic, I was left with no option but to present excerpt from diary/ diaries. I have worked for over 4 days on this post selecting the excerpt and compiling it so as to present you something that is enjoyable without infringing upon privacy.

“I love her”, yes that’s the word I have used for the first time in my life. Funny isn’t it? I am talking about “love” which I don’t know a thing about it!
“Stupidity” might be another word for it or I might be over imagining things and creating my own fantasy.

She had grown much more beautiful and had an extraordinarily beautiful smile. She laughed & her laughter was really music to ears. (Trying to poetize it or whatever it is called.) Her eyes were black and shone like a black pearl; it was indeed very lively and perhaps naughty too and complemented every word that she said in short – very expressive eyes. Her skin was shining and was slightly tanned and made her look as elegant as one can be. Her eyebrows were tweezed and were jet black as was the colour of her hair which she put as a pony tail; they were almost an inch longer than her scapula and had a wavy outlook. Hers was not so perfect nose but it made her look much more adorable especially when she smiled. ……

She suddenly looked in the sky and pointed out to the Orion constellation – her favourite. She pointed out to each star naming them “Nebusa” etc, but after the first four stars I was not interested in the stars anymore for I was looking at the moon itself, speaking to me, and asking me to look up at the stars. How could I ever have done that! I was beside a lovely face, a face of moon glowing bright under the sky illuminating the campus, heart and the soul. I kept staring at her as she continued telling me about the Orion.

She said, “Airport road” and got into the cab and sped away. Out of sight and out of “HER” mind. I watched her go and she didn’t turn back to see me. I was left all alone. I had to spend one and a half hour all alone, on road like a fool, just to be with her for 15 minutes.
After only, she had left and disappeared into the crowd did I realize that I am all, but a great fool.

This girl has me really confused, what does she want from me and what am I thinking of her? She is all over my mind and whenever I want her out of my mind , control and concentrate on other things, she just, out of the blue comes to my life and says “ Hello, how are you?” “Damn it! I hate it; she is making me look like a fool.”

Its 21 days since I spoke to Nadira* she has never thought of giving me a missed call or even SMS me, damn the SMS does she even think of me? No way it’s a crime for her to even think of me! It’s forbidden for her.
Such a non-existent fellow, she gives a damn about me and even probably, there to be bothered when she has no one to turn to.
Damn, I love her, and I may well be doomed for it. It’s terrible, what the heck, kill her for her insensitivity! Just why can’t her thoughts go to hell. “ AAh, damn it! Fuck it!” Get the hell out of her! She is giving me sleepless nights, go to hell. I am, trying to be sincere, stopped ogling at girls! All for the damn girl, for no reason. Hell?

And you know what, I really didn’t miss her much except for the fact every missed call I would get, I expected it to be hers, every number that that displayed on my screen, I wish it would be hers, every music of SMS that would ring my ears made me think… perhaps….. It was hers & obviously I expected her to mail….at least but I didn’t really miss her as much as I used to. The only time I thought of her was in train and before I went to bed, and whenever I was alone and I think I am doing good to forget her. Pretty well indeed!

She asked me too hang up for she needed 9 hours of sleep, at least... that’s what she said to me. I wished her Goodnight and "sweet Dreams". Yes, sweet dreams and she was coolly sleeping and enjoying every ounce of sleep I had!
Miss Nadira, do you ever miss me? Please, do you ever think of me? Damn, just think of me to abuse me, hate me, spite me but do think of me! Do you care for me at all? Do you really want me cry? Am I worth that?
Well, to her it may be even less!!!

Hell, I admit I felt miserable at the thought of her having a boyfriend, yes I was jealous and hurt. Yes, the fact that she might be with her boyfriend, that very thought made me feel like as if I was put on stake and a splinter has been thrust in my chest and pierced my heart, my whole soul was on fire….
And all my big talk about being liberal & broad minded disappeared. I realized for the first time that I am jealous just because he is a “guy” and a friend of “Nadira”. Perhaps the fact some “XYZ” (to me not to HER) has her attention more than me was simply not tolerable. It is something that I have never accepted & I doubt if I could ever learn to accept. I cannot tolerate somebody interfering in my time.
It is not the matter of trust but how could you just not feel jealous, miserable and a vicious lion ready to tear them apart. I mean its guys basic instinct and nothing to do with “trust” but “love” It’s just so human to do so or rather male to do so!

My whole purpose of going to Pune was defeated. Nadira didn’t meet me and I wasted a whole day just waiting and waiting to meet her. I even risked missing my train (from Mumbai to Delhi) or rather intended to risk but she didn’t turn up.
Hell, she just called me up and said she isn’t coming, due to some rain pouring at her place… what about the tears that is on the verge of pouring on my cheeks. Does it have any value?
Obviously not! It’s just some salty water which isn’t even fit for drinking! Surprisingly enough, though I am on the verge of crying now, at that time on phone my voice didn’t betray me, there was however certain amount of frustration in it and not to mention the generous topping of sarcasm but perhaps she never realized it. (Pun intended as I was standing in rain!)** And I am cool about it. No regrets.

During the last few days I went through lots of up and down regarding “Nadira” in particular. I missed her so much but as I try to fill the pages with words. I have nothing to write.
I feel hollow and at the same time I feel so filled and so calm. There is so much to say and so much to write but somehow, somewhere these expressions don’t find a word.
It’s raining outside and cool breeze is blowing over me as I write, giving me a strange cold shiver that is so soothing and all I want is to go and sit in the rain….
I think I will stop this diary business for it is not helping me whatsoever. There area lot of things that I would like to believe but reality bites. And it really and really hurts. The very fact that she is all over my mind is very unpleasant but she does not go away from my thoughts even after trying is even worse. I love her!
Goodbye my diary!!!

PS: * Names have been changed to protect identity.
** The line has been added at the request of original author.
1. The excerpt need not be from the diary of one person and need not be necessarily my own.
2. The excerpt in itself are unedited except for spelling mistakes.
3. The girls are different and the same name has been used to improve comprehensibility and continuity.

4. Dates have been rearranged and modified for the sake of continuity and on request
5. The opinion and views may or may not reflect my views.


raj vyas said...

A very well-versed experience with the best possible in-line expressions. Just Amazing 2 c u write dat better n some lines r so beautifully formed dat i feel the heart-beat.
WISH u never ever hav such incidents /memories in ur life again.

falcon said...

ritu.. i am ready to live a hundred lives jus to relive these memories

Anonymous said...

oh my god..i m left short of words!!.splendid!!
but hey,this is not fair.when i wrote something on similar subject,u showed a complete disregard for my feelings ..
anyways,it was a pleasant surprise though ,to read some extremely pure n beautiful romantically inclined lines from u ..and i wish u find some1 who feels the same for u.BOL

falcon said...

"Our sweetest songs are those,
that tell of saddest dreams"

- shelly
( To A Skylark)
by the way, do ya think i am stupid enough to commit the same mistake twice?

Anonymous said...

"ritu.. i am ready to live a hundred lives jus to relive these memories"...who wrote this???
i don't understand u.

falcon said...

i said i don't want to commit the same mistake twice... but i never said that i am going to get over my mistake!!!!

Anonymous said...


falcon said...

As long is one is still sittin on the fence ... it is bound to get complicated.. man how can u sit on a fence and not feel the pain and complication!!!